Miss me much??? I do too...

As usual I have neglected this blog so much that even I thought it was no longer functioning. Then I realised it was I that was no longer functioning or for that matter writing. Anyway, here I am and I'm coming back with a not so happy post. I'm not even sure why I'm sharing this but non-the-less I am, so read on if you care to but remember it's not a very happy post.

As many of you know or maybe you don't either way I'll remind you that I have been and still am HIV positive and have been since 1986. Now the fact that I have lived with this dread disease for 25 years and am still around to be writing about it is wonderful. Well, wonderful that I'm alive not wonderful that I've had to live with this disease for so long and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. I am one of those unlucky ones that watched one to many of my friends loose their lives to this disease including two of my own partners. It will actually be exactly 25 years to the date on the 16 of this month that I found out I was positive. It's funny how you remember certain life changing things. Well maybe not so much funny as just plain odd/interesting/strange, you get my point.

I am lucky in that I was able to survive long enough to have access to the antiviral medications that became available in 1994. Those drugs and have extended and saved many peoples lives since then. I'll be honest it's not been nor is it for anyone a joy ride taking these medications with all of their various side effects like constant diarrhoea, nausea etc. Regardless, I persevered and finally found a combination that provided me with the protection I needed and had the least amount of side effects. Now, I have taken this combination of medications for over 9 years and through all of that time they have kept my little friend (aka the virus) at bay, tucked away in it's own little corner not bothering anyone.

The drugs, if you don't already know, are supposed to keep the virus at such a low level that it has a hard time replicate and as such has a hard time destroying your immune system. At the same time by holding the virus at bay and with your immune system not under constant attack the system itself is better able at repairing itself and bringing your defences up to normal or higher levels of protection. My counts as far as the virus is concerned are always in the undetectable range which is where we want it to be and my immune system albeit on the low end of normal nevertheless is in the normal range. That is until 4 weeks ago...

It seems that after all of these years of gliding along rather smoothly. My little friend has decided that it is not content with playing all by itself in that dark little corner. No, it wants to come back out and play in the sunshine with all the other immune cells, blood cells and all the other parts of my body. It just wants to have fun again. Problem is, when it has fun I don't. So, what am I saying? Well, what I'm saying is I now have a detectable viral load and my immune system is headed to the no go zone. Now, we don't need to panic because there are lots of new medications to choose from so there should be some combination I can take that will send my little friend back into his little hole where he will hopefully stay for a very long time. We have done some blood work to see what medications I have apparently be come resistant to and can no longer use and then allow us to to decide what other new medications I can try and we will go on from there.

I know I shouldn't worry but I'm not very happy at the moment. It's not that I was fooled to believe that the virus had left the building. I've not only lived with it for to long but I've also worked in the field of HIV education so I know the in and outs of this terrible disease. It's just a kick to the head and it makes you suddenly feel so damn vulnerable. All from something we can't see with the naked eye but that we got from being naked. Hmmm, I digress Anyhoo, no time to wallow in self pity, nor would I as I did enough of that a long time ago. Lets figure out what we're going to do and just do it. I've got nothing to loose and so much to gain.

A day to remember...

Today is a day that plays close to my mind and heart. I have now lived for 23 years with HIV and I am grateful for everyone of those years. I can remember back in 1986 when I first found out I was positive and the doctor told me I had six months to live. There were no medications available to help fight this disease at that time and I believed that my life would be over before I could explore and enjoy it more than I already had. Some how I got lucky because those 6 months came and went and then it became years. Through the years I went from surviving to being very ill. I lost many friends and acquaintances over those years. Somehow I kept going. I lost my partner of six years in 1993 just before the new miracle drugs were introduced in 1994. I have been on those medication ever since they became available. Every day is a constant reminder that I have to keep on going and that every day there is a battle being fought inside me. I lost another partner in 1998 even after the new drugs were introduced. I am very aware that this disease only wants one thing and that one thing is something I'm not willing to give iit.

At the same time millions of people around the world have and are facing the same day by day existence some doing it better than others. This disease is not going away and with no vaccine still to this day and on going newly diagnosed individuals occurring every day I am concerned that we have forgotten what this disease can do. How it can destroy lives, tear families apart and bring pain to so many. I don't mean to preach I just want people to remember that we still need to talk about HIV and to respect ourselves, our partners and one another. Respect yourself by using protection and keeping your self and your partners safe and well. Respect others and open your hearts and minds to lend someone a helping hand if they need one. Most importantly don't be afraid to talk as we need to keep the conversation going so we can continue to fight and maybe just maybe we will eventually win.

You can find out more information by clicking the World AIDS Day picture below. As I said be safe, take care and stay well and don't be afraid to talk about it.

Let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about you and me...

...let's talk about HIV. Gee that was a really bad segue into this post. Anyway, it made sense at the time and it still makes sense as a title to this post. Today is December 1st here in Australia and beside it being only 24 more shopping days until Christmas it is also World AIDS Day. My friends in the northern hemisphere can read this post now or wait until tomorrow. On second thought maybe you should read it now. Today of course is the day that we remember all of those people that we have lost to this horrible disease. Today is the day we choose to wear a red ribbon to note that loss. We also wear that red ribbon to bring attention to the fact that HIV/AIDS is still amongst us and until a cure is found it's not going away.

To be brutally honest with you, wearing a red ribbon just for the day is not good enough. Some (that would include me) might say it is hypocritical to wear the ribbon only for the day when the disease is still here the other 364 days of the year. I know that some people wear a yellow wristband all year long to raise awareness for testicular cancer. Some people wear a pink ribbon year round in awareness of breast cancer and there are other examples. So why is it that we find it acceptable to only wear the red ribbon just today. I apologise to those people that still do wear the ribbon daily. I not only commend you but thank you. I will have to say you are a minority in today’s society. I also have to say that I am just as guilty for not wearing the ribbon every day but then in my defense I think I've done more than my share considering what I've been through and even then that's no excuse.

As I said and as we know the ribbon is aimed at raising awareness about HIV/AIDS but when I hear about the rise in numbers of new HIV infections occurring globally on a daily basis then it seems that wearing that ribbon and observing a day of remembrance once a year just is not good enough. I believe that HIV/AIDS is still a very important issue. Too many people are still dying as a result of complications from this disease to let awareness become a once a year event. It seems a sad indictment of society that the issue of HIV/AIDS is only worthy of notating once a year. Maybe it’s time to rethink the way we remember our losses and how we want to bring awareness to the world so as to prevent further losses. We might want to start talking about HIV/AIDS on a daily basis and try to open up our ears once again, listen a little closer and really hear what is being said. I’m not here to preach I’m merely here to bring attention to something that I believe is still an issue in today’s world.

I have never made a secret out of the fact that I am HIV positive (okay there was that time way back in the beginning when I was first diagnosed but let’s move on shall we) I have been HIV+ for over twenty-two years and within that time I have seen HIV/AIDS in many different ways. I have seen the good, the bad and the very, very ugly side of this disease. On very special occasions I have even seen the good side of this disease but those moments usually if not always came at a price. We have been talking/hearing about HIV/AIDS since 1981. We have made great strides in the area of treatments and as such people are living longer but as I noted earlier people are also still dying. It’s estimated that around 2 million people died from complication of HIV/AIDS in 2007. Once again as I said I’m not here to preach because I know you have heard so much of this before and then some. I just want to use this time and space to highlight something very close to my heart.

I have been around long enough to hear all of the reasons as to why there is still a rise in new HIV infections occurring in many parts of the world. I know the concept of “condom fatigue”. I mean there are only so many ways and so many times that we can tell people to wear a condom. After a while people just stop listening because they get tired of hearing the same old rhetoric over and over and over again. Another reason for the rise in new infections is based on the thought process that HIV is not a problem any more because people who become infected can now just take some pills and everything will be okay. Unfortunately it’s not that easy, and people don’t know, think about or take into consideration all of the complications and possible side effects associated with those pills. And last but not least there is the generational issue where as young people see HIV/AIDS as something that is a problem of an older generation. Young people did not have to go through what happened back in the early days of HIV when so many people died basically due to lack of information and lack of medications. In saying that I find it almost appalling that with the knowledge that we have about HIV today that young people would choose to carelessly ignore that information. I have to assume they are ignoring the information along with so many other people because there are so many new people becoming infected.

In the end I don’t know what to say. I’m just sitting here rambling on and talking about things that so many of you know. I don’t know what the answer is. Maybe I’m just a jaded, cynical old man who has seen, and been through too much. Maybe it’s just none of my business.

Pride...

A lovely man named Kelly definitely wears his pride on his sleeve. (His Gay Pride that is) Every year Kelly post a picture depicting Gay Pride in some form or fashion and then he asks fellow bloggers to also post the same picture. Once the picture is posted the the blogger just lets Kelly know so he can add a link to a list of the bloggers who are participating. This year Kelly has also asked each participant to write a little something about what makes them proud or maybe they can write about when they can out or even why the feel like they can't come out. So in honour of Gay Pride month and in honour of Kelly here's my reason for being proud.

• I'm Proud for surviving 22 years being HIV+ (I plan to continue for many more)
• I'm Proud for the support of my family and friends from the very start and in the future
  
• I'm Proud to have known so many good, kind, and sweet people who touched my heart and allowed me to be a small part of their lives before their lives were abruptly ended and taken from this world
• I'm Proud of a community that so valiantly rallied around all of those friends and loved ones when no one else would
• I'm Proud to see and know that there is a community that continues to fight for the right to be treated and seen as more than second class citizens and to fight for the right to be treated as equals
  
• I'm Proud to have been a part of all of this and more and to know that I will continue to do so in the future.

better later then not at all...

I know that World AIDS day has passed but I was in Sydney seeing a specialist neurologist about my peripheral neuropathy, which was caused by HIV. It seems that in some cases the longer someone has HIV the virus can sometimes damage certain cells and in my case it is the nerve receptors in my feet. I will never be able to fix or cure this problem as it currently stands and the doctor says that unfortunately it will only get worse. After 21 years of living with HIV I thought that I had gotten to a point where I was winning. I have had really bad times and times where I almost died but I fought back and took control. I made sure that HIV did not define my life and that it would be something that is merely part of my life, albeit a constant part of my life. In the end here I am after all of this time and I feel like HIV has kicked me in the head just to remind me that it is still with me and if I want to win I will have to keep fighting. I'm not going to lie, it's a big ask.

Anyway, as a small reminder from the official site for World AIDS Day Australia. I leave you with this:

By 31 December 2006 there were 26,267 diagnoses of HIV infection in Australia. There were 10,125 diagnoses of AIDS and 6,723 deaths following AIDS had occurred. The annual number of new HIV diagnoses in Australia rose from 763 cases in 2000 to 998 in 2006 an increase of 31%.

Something to think about considering that these numbers are from a westernised country and not somewhere in Africa. We are not immune. We are affected and we are responsible for making a difference. I'm just sayin'...

Flashback: Who knew...

I came out to my parents in 1981 and for a short time our relationship became strained. We were both trying to come to terms with my coming out, both for very different reasons. At one point I did not speak to my parents for almost two years. Things started to get better slowly and with some concerted effort and a little time to breathe we began to start talking again. I came down with the flu in the fall of 1985. I thought maybe it would pass like any cold or flu, but for some reason it just kept hanging around. I wasn't throwing up and febrile all the time during those four weeks but I knew it was not normal to feel this way for so long. I just could not shake this flu off.

I was working as the General Manager of a local restaurant and putting in around 55 - 65 hours a week. The company I worked for had no health plan, so I could not afford to see a doctor. At the time I got sick the relationship with my parents had gotten better and we had come to a comfortable place. They did not like the fact that I was gay, but they learned that I was still their son just as I always had been, and would continue to be. I promised not to be too "gay" when I visited them as long as they tried to start to understand where I was coming from and give my the benefit of the doubt.

Anyway, my mom has worked for doctors all her life, and actually just recently stopped working but that's another story. I made a call to her one day while she was working and explained that I really needed to see a doctor and asked her if I could see the family doctor. Our family doctor for whom my mother worked for at the time had known our family for over 25 years, but he did not know that I was gay. I told my mom about having this flu and the fact that it just would let go and also suggested that I should probably be tested for HIV. The world was just really starting to talk about HIV/AIDS awareness back in 1985, and I was in a high-risk category. Mom at first disagreed because in asking for an HIV test I would have to disclose my lifestyle to the doctor. At the same time my mom knew I needed to see the doctor because we had to get a handle on whatever was wrong with me. I think at that point my mother had two problems. First, she still didn't want a lot of people to know that I was gay and secondly and most of all I think she did not want to find out the truth that I might be HIV positive. I didn't really want to find that out either. I ended up seeing the doctor without mentioning anything about HIV or about me being gay. The doctor did some routine blood test but not the test for HIV. He started me on some broad spectrum antibiotics to treat my symptoms, but I never really got better.

I kept having to see the doctor on and off every few weeks until April of 1986 and during that time he ran all sorts of test. In fact just about every test except the one for HIV. By April 1986 I had changed jobs and was now working as a manager for a major retail chain, working up to 65+ hours a week. I continued to be fatigued and I was losing weight faster than I could eat. I had also just started my second year of what would end up to be a four year relationship that wasn't going well and would end abruptly, so needless to say stress levels were very high. I decided to tell my mother that this had gone too far and that I really needed to be tested for HIV and that if she didn't want the family doctor to know then I would go to the clinic and have the test run, but I needed to know! My mom said she would rather see the family doctor than going to a clinic, so I did. When I saw the doctor I told him about my lifestyle and about my life in general. I also told him that there was a good chance that I could have been exposed to the virus. He was furious, not because of my lifestyle but because I had not told him earlier, in his eyes we had just wasted six months of my life when we could have tried treating my symptoms from another angle. Although treating HIV was harder then, than it is now, we still could have been doing other things to try and make me feel better. We decided to run the test!

Two weeks passed and finally late one afternoon, on a day that I luckily had off from work, the doctor called and told me he needed to see me in the office first thing in the morning. I don't claim to know everything, but at that point I knew what he had to say, and it would have to wait until the morning. The next day I was at the doctor's office bright and early. My mom was at work and she was in a good mood (I later found out that the doctor had not talked my mother until he talked to me, which is the professional and ethical way, even though as I said our families had been very close). So, I sat in the exam room, you know those cold sterile little rooms, waiting to hear the results of the test, and I already knew the answer. When the doctor came in the first thing he did was shake my hand and asked me how I was feeling. I told him I had been feeling better but not quite up to par yet. Then he said it "Tony the test came back positive." Reality hit I was HIV positive and I started to cry.

Now remember it was 1986 and at that time finding out you were HIV+ was death sentence. Like so many of my friends I didn't know where to begin in relation to what to do next. The biggest thought in my mind was how long would I have before the virus won. Of course the doctor couldn't answer that question, but at that time the thought process was that at most I would have probably five years if I was really lucky. I resigned my self to that fact and started to think what I really needed to do from that point. I never knew that in the end I would be able to say that in a little over a month from now, 2007, I will reach my 50th birthday. Unlike many I am excited to turn 50 and I'm extremely proud of what I have accomplished. I look forward to many more years but I never have and never will take for granted all the years that I have been afforded. Who knew...

Eye C U...

Well I went to the eye doctor today and all is well except I had to buy new glasses. Now for those who have been reading this blog for a while they will know that it wasn't long ago that I had to buy new glasses. I thought when I got the last pair they would last for a while, but alas that was not meant to be. Since I read a lot of books and work with the computer for at least three hours a day my eyes get a real work out. I have been having trouble focusing after a bout an hour of reading, which is what prompted the visit to the eye doctor.

While I was there we went ahead and did the entire exam dilating pupils and all. This time the exam included imaging of the eyes on the inside. What they do is take a snapshot of your inner eye so as to make a reference point on the health of your eyes as a whole. The photos are useful as they can then compare to photos that will be taken on subsequent check-ups. Anyway, the eye doctor said that my eyes were in good shape from a medical perspective which is important especially for people with HIV. With all the trouble I'm having with the peripheral neuropathy in my feet I was glad to know that the only thing wrong with my eyes are just normal old age wear and tear.

So in a week or so I will have my newest set of glasses and I will share them with you to see what you think. This time I got transition lenses that will be great for going outside in the sun. Until I get my new glasses I thought I would share with you one of the pictures of the inside of my eye. according to the eye doctor this is what a health eye looks like. I'm so lucky, although I'm not so sure how lucky you are looking at this picture. Enjoy...

Side note: Damn glasses are expansive!!!

A blast from the past...

I don't know why I'm posting this, but for some reason I felt the need to share. This post originally occurred on my other web site which tells the story of my life dealing with HIV up to a point. I am sorry to say that the site needs a complete update and I need to finish my story and maybe just maybe I'm feeling the need to do so. Anyway, as I said I'm not sure why I'm posting this but I am. Let me set this up a bit.

The post I'm about to share was written based on a letter I received from my daughter. Now you should know that for the first 13 years of my daughters life I had only seen her once and that was the day after she was born. I had to sneak up to my then wives room and I held my daughter for a precious fifteen minutes. I then had to leave for fear that my soon to be ex-wife's family might show up. Even though my wife and I were divorcing due to the fact that I had finally come to the realisation the I could no longer live a lie about my sexual orientation. I had been battling that dark secret for way to long and at that point there was no way I was going to bring a child into the world and have her see her parents living in a lie. Many people tried to get us to stay together for the sake of the baby but I just couldn't. As I said I would not have my child grow up seeing and feeling the fact that her parents did not actually love one another anymore. I say anymore because I have to be fair that in some way even though inside I knew I was gay I fought so hard against it and I did actually find a woman for whom I could feel love. To this day I honestly do care for my ex-wife. she's a good woman and she raised my daughter to be a very well adjusted young woman and I could not ask anymore than that. We had some how come to a friendly arrangement and I give my ex-wife a lot of credit for she was very wise before her time. My ex-wife and I had agreed that for my daughters sake it would be best for me to stay in the background so as not to confuse the issue. I suppose on reflection it was not the best choice, never the less it was the choice we made.

For the next thirteen years my daughter grew up to be a lovely girl from what little things I found out through various avenues. The how I found out does not matter suffice it to say I found out. My ex-wife had remarried and I even went as far as allowing my daughter to be adopted by my wife's new husband because I thought it was the right thing to do. At the time I did not think I deserved to have a daughter as I was very good at becoming a self loathing gay man, not worthy of proper love, understanding and support from various friends and family. What I did not know was that during all time she was growing up my ex-sister in-law was keeping my daughter in tune with who her real dad was. My sister in law apparently told my daughter everything, including the fact that I was gay. Which she told her only because my daughter pressed her for the answer. Now I could be mad at my ex-sister-in-law for outing me but the truth would eventually have to come out and as it was that would be the impetus for my daughter wanting to meet me. The way I understand it she asked her mother who did not want to say anything about me and my daughter said fine she would find out on her own and eventually got my parents on the phone and talked to them.

In those thirteen years my life changed a lot and during that time I had become HIV+ as well I had buried the first of two partners. I was living with the second partner, when my mother called me to tell me that my daughter had called her and that she wanted to meet me. My daughter asked my mum if she thought I would be okay with meeting with hear after all this time. To say the least I was bit shocked. There had not been a day go by since the day she was born that I did not think about my daughter and wondered how she was or what she was like. Needless to say I said yes I would be more than happy to meet her. I knew in my heart that one day I would have to meet her and she would eventually ask me what happened thirteen years ago and why did I leave. I did not know what she had been told so I would be flying blind but I figured the best way forward would be with honesty. So the day came to meet and my mother had arranged for my daughter, along with my dad, to come to my home. My partner at that time used to be a professional photographer among other things and he was going to take some pictures of my family all together for the first time. Needless to say the meeting was very emotional so much that I can not even convey it here in words. At the end of the day the photos were taken and a new beginning began to form between my daughter and I. Shortly after that meeting I received a letter from my daughter and in that letter was what ended up being the post that I'm about to share with you.

So without further adieu here is that post:

A few weeks ago I wrote my previous column, and I discussed the trials and tribulations of taking all the different medicines I need to help my immune system fight the HIV virus. I often asked myself wondering if it was all worth it. Well several days after writing that column I received a letter from my daughter and I got the best answer as to why I continue to fight this disease. I would like to share this letter with you. I think you'll agree I have a very good reason to fight back against this devastating disease.

Dad, Hi! How are you? I'm just fine. Well I wrote this poem two years ago and never gave it to you. I hope it doesn't upset you, something just told me inside that I should send you a copy of it. Well I gotta go!

Love always & forever, Erin

ps. I just want you to know that I love you with all of my heart even though I haven't known you for all of my life. A girl couldn't ask for a better dad. I'm proud of you & everything you have ever accomplished. I love you daddy!


Is Life Fair?

I just met my dad the other day.
There is so much more that I want to say.

His body is a wilting flower,
Here today, then gone tomorrow.
Yet his spirit is like the ocean.
It waves up and down,
One day calm and the next rough.
I ask myself "Is life fair?",
"Why my despair?"

I think of my wedding day.
How will it be?
Who will give me away?
Who will stand next to me?

He wears a smile.
But inside he is frowning.
I sometimes wonder is he drowning?

My father loves me with all of his heart
I know in spirit that we will never part.
But, it just hurts really bad.

Life is robbing me of my dad.

That letter and poem have stuck with me to this day and in the end here we are in my daughters 25th year and she is all grown up and she's even given me a granddaughter. I've obeyed the doctors and will be lucky to see my 50th birthday this November. I don't know if or when my daughter will get married but at the end of the day if she stills wants me to walk her down the aisle it will be my pleasure. All in all as difficult as it can be I think life is good because I have won this battle so far. Anyway, thanks for reading and now we will return to our regularly scheduled and much more current posts.

Baby it's cold out side...

Our backyard outdoor electronic weather station read this morning that it was -0.1 degree Celsius = 31.82 degree Fahrenheit and with a wind chill it felt like -3.7 degree Celsius = 25.34 degree Fahrenheit. Now, I know that to many North Americans and some of you in Europe don't think that is cold. If you lived here in the land down under, and more specifically in Tasmania, you would think it's cold considering most of the time our temperatures are quite moderate ranging around 26 degree Celsius = 78.8 degree Fahrenheit to 16 degree Celsius = 60.8 degree Fahrenheit . So it really is all relative. All I know is I've acclimated, there is a thick frost on the ground and snow on the mountain. It's cold!

What really concerns me is winter here runs on an even number of months, meaning we don't really go by the whole first day of summer/winter thing that happens around the 21 of say June or December. No, our seasons run in set three month lots and winter runs from June 1 to August 31. Our coldest month is July so I am a bit concerned as to what next month has in store. Oh well I always said I like cold better than hot because when it's stinking hot I can only take so many pieces of clothing off before I get arrested or people start tearing their eyeballs out. Where as in winter I can put a fire in the fire place, rug up, put on a woolly jumper and Bob's your uncle. Now for my family in America, translation (I can put a fire in the fire place, put on warm clothes, put on a sweater and there you have it)

Anyway, that's all that is happening around here. A quite week ahead with my regular three month check up with the doctor at the end of the week to see how my long, very long (21+ years), fight against HIV is going. I don't expect anything ground breaking as I take all my pills like a good boy, but you never know. At the end of the day if something where to change it would mean changing my medications which would be troublesome at best but I would do what I needed to because I've put up with this bloody (translation damn) disease for so long I sure as hell am not going to stop fighting now. Would seem kind of pointless really. And to think I have this conversation with my self daily. HMMM???

Where am I? Who am I?

No, I don't have amnesia, I just feel a bit lost especially about this blog. I'm having one of those moments again where I'm trying to figure out what to write or even why I keep working at this thing. To be honest that's a big part of it; keeping a blog is work. I mean trying to think up witty things to post for those people that stop by is not an easy task. And then of course I start feeling guilty if I go a few days without writing something. I just don't know. Lets look at it this way, I'm supposed to be doing this for myself and rather or not I write something of interest and by chance also make it witty or I write nothing at all should be totally up to me. So, if I understand that it's my blog and I'll write if I want to then what's the problem? Maybe there isn't a problem.

The fact remains I'm not the most interesting of writers. I'll never be witty like Mark, Joe or Dirk. I'm just me and at the end of the day I'm resigned to the fact that this is a boring blog and the only reason I do it is so that occasionally I can let my family know what's up with my life and on rare occasions I post some long languishing list of things I like and dislike as if anyone wants to know. I'm not writing this so someone will comment and say "Hey don't be so hard on yourself". I don't really care. I just want to rant and once again you, the reader get to read a bunch of tripe. I've done it before and I'm sure I'll do it again.

Anyway, as to the question of where and who I am. I'm still here in the land down under and I'm still me, a 49 year old guy who has been HIV+ for 21 plus years and I'm looking forward to my 50th B-day this year. I have a loving partner whom I have been with going on 9 years. He loves me and I love him which works for the both of us. We have a nice home (with no mortgage) plus an apartment in reserve in Sydney (again no mortgage). (The houses really belong to my hubby but he lets me say they belong to us) I never have to worry about being homeless. I have a small amount of money in savings, although it is a very small amount that I have worked at saving and it won't take care of me in my old age retirement (if I get there), but it's nice to have a little money in savings to feel good about. We have a few close and cherished friends who we can depend on and I am grateful to have them. All in all I suppose life is not so bad.

So, what do I have to complain about? Well, I do have the neuropathy problem with my feet which keeps me in pain. I still take 12 pills a day because I continue to try to keep HIV from winning and killing me. I worry about my mum who lives half way around the world and at the end of the day I can't just pop over to see her or be there in a second if she needs me. I miss seeing my daughter and my granddaughter, especially miss seeing my granddaughter grow up. And last but not least we have a rare hermaphroditic cat who fights constantly with all of the other cats in the neighbourhood because she/he or they can't decide if she/he is just being butch or just a plain bitch.

At the end of the day I'm alive albeit boring I'm here and for better or worse here I will remain. Read it if and when you want and I'll write if and when I want. Thanks for letting me ramble and besides it's a post for better or worse.

Quiet is as quiet does...

Well it's been pretty darn quiet around here as of late. It's that time of year when we start slowing down because winter is on it's way. The trees have all but lost their bright fall coloured leaves. All of the flowers in the garden have gone to sleep. My biggest problem is trying to decide what to wear, because it's cold in the mornings but warmish by afternoon. Soon it will stay cold but until then can you imagine my dilemma.

Anyway, not much else going on here. I have been feeling a lot of aches and pains and have had a few strange maladies occurring within and on my body. I'm not sure if it's the change of weather, or if I'm just getting older, or if it may something a bit more sinister and related to the HIV. I have my blood work done this coming Friday so that will tell if all is well on the inside, or at least from a medication stand point. It may be just my body reacting to all of the medications I have had to start taking. Sometime, I feel like I am back to where I started. I had gotten my pills down to just three pills twice a day, all up six, but now I'm taking double that (12). I suppose it could be worse because I think at the height of my pill taking it was 21 so I guess 12 isn't so bad. It may just be me wanting to rant a bit and get the angst out of my system. We are going for a drive up the coast tomorrow to have lunch near the ocean, it will be good.

Oh and here is something new, ocasionally I'm going to do a word of the day and/or a quote of the day so today I'll do both to get it started.

Todays word is:

bon vivant \bon-vee-VONT\, noun:
A person with refined and sociable tastes, especially one who enjoys fine food and drink.

Todays quote:

"We must not allow the clock and the calendar to blind us to the fact that each moment of life is a miracle and mystery."

H. G. Wells English author, historian, & utopian (1866 - 1946)

Another year passes...

Twenty-one years ago in April 1986 my life changed forever. I figured that I would have said this about September 1981 (that's when I came out to everyone) but more important is that date in April 1986.

I went through hell and back when I first came out to my friends and family. I had spent so many years living a lie and in the end it almost killed me. When I finely told people I felt all of that pressure lift from my shoulders. I cruised along for the next five years exploring my new life and it was most definitely a new life for me. During that time I lost many of my old friends and relations with my family were strained, but they got better with time.

I was a young gay man living in the 1980's and the world was one of outrageous excess. I like so many others lived life like there was no tomorrow. We spent to much on clothes, cars, apartments and other material items. We partied to much, drugs and alcohol were our friend. Sex was just something you did, and you did it a lot. What we didn't do when we had that sex was we didn't use condoms. We didn't know we had too.

In 1981 there was a ripple of conversation beginning in a few large cities more specifically in San Francisco, LA and New York. That conversation became a large unknown as a clusters of gay men were suddenly getting sick and doing so very quickly. Those men were also dying from what ever was making them sick. In Dallas Texas we heard the rumors but no one was really sure what the truth was and unfortunately for many we continued to lead our lives to excess.

As the years progressed we named this disease. First back in 1981 it was called GRID (Gay Related Immune Deficiency) but health authorities soon realised that nearly half of the people identified with the syndrome were not homosexual men. In 1982, the CDC (Centre for Disease Control) introduced the term AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome) to describe the newly recognized syndrome. In 1983 the virus that caused this syndrome was discovered by a French scientist and a year later an American scientist confirmed this discovery. However there was a huge debate as to who should be credited because each scientist called their virus something else even though they were talking about the same thing. Eventually in 1986 it was agreed that this new virus would be called HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus).

By 1986 the conversation about HIV was stronger than it had been but many of us were still living on the edge and occasionally we did not heed the new warnings that we need to use condoms. I lost so many friends in those first years between 1981 and 1986. It was a bad time in the gay community but at the same time it was a time of great commoradery because no one was going to look out for us as many thought we deserved this disease and that we desreved to die. They gay community started support groups and other organisations to help those who other were going to leave to die. I continued losing friends all the way up to 1998. I remember one month in 1984 I lost 30 friends and or acquaintances all in the same month.

I had the worst flu ever in September 1985 and was ill for the entire month. Even after the initial illness wore off I just never felt right. I went to see the doctor and he kept giving more antibiotics for various chest infections and strange inflammations. I had not come out to my doctor so he had no idea that there was even a remote chance that I could have been exposed to HIV. I alos was not sure I wanted to know if I had been exposed. By late March 1986 both the doctor and I were extremely frustrated trying to find out what was wrong with me. I finally decided that I had to tell him and that I thought it would be best that we run an HIV test. We did just that and a few weeks later (the test took longer in those days) we got the results.

I was HIV positive!

Like almost every person I have talked to and/or have know personally that received the same news, the first thing I did was cry! At that time finding out you were HIV+ meant you were going to die. There was no treatment to prolong life and there definitely was no cure. So where was I supposed to go from there? In answering that question it would take me way to long answer and it would make this post even longer that it is now. The short version is this. I worked until I got so sick and couldn't work anymore. I tried ever new drug that came out and some of them almost killed me. I tried to lead a normal life and found a partner but unfortunately he eventually died from complications of HIV and I buried him. I tried love again but he also died from complications of HIV and I buried another partner. I almost gave up but finally met someone who is still with me.

I am still living with HIV every day twenty-one years later. I take 12 pills a day to stay alive a;long with a positve attitude, which is sometimes very difficult, and I look forward to every day. So as another year passes I am grateful to be here but I am also aware that I have fought long and hard to be where I am and will continue to do so because I am worthy of living. If you are truly interested in reading all of the sorted details, you can do so here.

New National Australian Safe Sex Campaign?

The Australian government is considering spending $10 million dollars over the next four years to run a national safe sex campaign to prevent to spread of HIV. The target group for this campaign will be gay men who are still the main population affected by HIV in Australia. Increases in new HIV infections have been seen in almost every state within Australia over the past few years. This money would be useful in the fight against HIV. To read the rest go here.

Happy feet...NOT

I'm sitting here, it is 4:30am. I woke up from a weird dream and my feet were aching really bad. I don't know if it was the weird dream I was having or the pain that woke me. I'm glad I woke from the dream as it was not a good dream but not really a nightmare. I dreamt that I was having my foot pain and the newly acquired hand pain, which we think is a side effect of one of the medications I'm taking to control the foot pain. I can't win!

Anyway, I wasn't able to get anyone to help me with the pain (in the dream). All the doctors kept telling me, is there was nothing they could do about and to get used to it(the pain). The doctors said the pain was a direct result from the length of time that I have been HIV+ (21 years). In other words the disease had been affecting other functions within my system not just my immune system. The funny thing about dream is that they reflect recent events and James and I were at breakfast yesterday morning talking about this very point however not specifically about me but about how people sometimes have a doctor that tell them to get over themselves and just deal with the pain or a side effect of a drug and to be grateful they are alive.

Let me say that I am very grateful to be alive but it is by my sure determination to be so. I put up with the pain, taken all the crappy medications and dealt with all sorts of health problems that this disease has dished up to me over the years and it can be damn depressing. I'm not the only one that has dealt with these issue as I know a lot of other HIV+ people who have similar problems and they have all coped with their issues in the own way. I've written about this before and I'm sure I will again because it is a way for me to cope and it helps me get it out of my system. So, I will inevitably continue to write about how I deal or don't deal with living with HIV and at the same time try to go through life "being normal".

I took my pain medicine a while ago and the ache is easing but under it all I know it's still there and some how I need to keep it from winning... I will.

Don't even ask about the hand pain...

Some people just piss me off!!!

Over 40 million people infected with HIV with over 25 million dead and there is this fool in Perth Australia who claims to be a scientist and she says this:

Expert witness says HIV does not exist

A Perth medical researcher has told an Adelaide court that Africa does not have an AIDS crisis because HIV does not exist.

Eleni Papadopulos-Eleopulos has told the South Australian Court of Criminal Appeal that no one had proven that HIV exists.

Ms Papadopulos-Eleopulos is a witness in the appeal case of Andre Chad Parenzee, 35, who was convicted on January 31 this year of endangering the lives of three women.

Parenzee had unprotected sex with the women, knowing he was HIV-positive.

One of the women, a mother of two, became infected with HIV while the other two tested negative to the virus.

Parenzee's lawyer, Kevin Borick, QC, argues Parenzee could not have committed the crimes because HIV does not exist.

Under cross examination from Prosecutor Sandi McDonald, Ms Papadopulos-Eleopulos, a medical engineer from Royal Perth Hospital, dismissed recent World Health Organisation and United Nations reports that outline the world AIDS epidemic.

Ms Papadopulos-Eleopulos said there was no published reports that conclude HIV exists or could be linked to AIDS.

The 5,000 people who signed the Durban Declaration in 2000, which says AIDS was an epidemic in Africa, linked to HIV and spread by sexual contact, were backed by politicians, not scientists, she said.

"I am a scientist, I look for science - I do not look for consensus," she told the court.

"There is no massive epidemic of HIV infections because no one has proven it."

Ms Papadopulos-Eleopulos denied she was appearing at the case to gain publicity for her theories and her research organisation, the Perth Group.

The Perth Group, which Ms Papadopulos-Eleopulos heads, believes there is no link between HIV and AIDS.

Parenzee's appeal application continues on Wednesday before Justice John Sulan.

Sourced: here

I understand everyone has the right to their own opinion but this kind of rhetoric is ridiculous considering that after 25 years and still counting this epidemic is still going strong and people continue to be infected and die every day! Also how does she want to explain what I have been dealing with personally for the past 21 years? These pundits are all around and have been for years and all they do is spout this disillusioned theroy when there is more scientific evidence then you can shake a stick at and even if there wasn't it doesn't matter as people are still living with HIV and many are still dying. End of statement! So this kind of rhetoric is for a lack of better words Bull Shit!

Anyway, I'm emotional and I should breathe deep. I just don't know what to say but if you want to read more about this group, this woman and their deranged ideology; you can write to them and you can find them here

P.S. If someone wants to disagree with me. DON"T. I have the right to my opinion too and besdies I'm not in the mood!

P.P.S. I've learned that this woman and her group have claimed since 1988 that HIV has never been fully isolated; as such she is among the best-known AIDS dissidents. I've also learned that she has no academic appointment and newspaper accounts have also indicated that she does not hold a doctorate even though she claims the title of Doctor; her highest academic degree is in fact a Bachelor of Science. Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eleni_Papadopulos-Eleopulos

Remember...

On December 1 buy a red ribbon to support the fight against HIV. Thank you...