22 September 2008

Am I man enough or how to be a man in 25 easy steps...

One of my blogger friends, Ur -spo, came up with a list of what he believes to be the 25 things that a gentleman should be able to do, accomplish and/or perform. I thought I would see just how much of a man/gentleman that I am. It's a simple list and all you do is bold the items that you can do, accomplish and/or perform. So here are my results:
  1. Change a flat tire
  2. Tie a bow tie - I don't own one and when I did it was a clip on. (I was five and it was part of my new Easter outfit)
  3. Carve a turkey - Let me at that bird. I love carving me some turkey.
  4. Open a bottle of champagne
  5. Change the oil in a car - No that's why God created auto mechanics (As you continue to read my list you will see that this will not be the only thing that I'm grateful to God for creating. Read on and see for your self)
  6. If asked, you know the name of a good barber - Hubby and I cut each others hair. (There's only so much you can do with a pair of clippers)
  7. Have a tailor who knows your measurements - I don't buy that many suits and as for the rest of the clothes they're strictly off the rack. I know that shocks some of you and I apologies but it's just the kind of man I am.
  8. Tie a bowline, clove hitch, and a square knot - Yes and no, I used to know how when I was a Boy Scout but that was a long, long, long time ago. (Don't pretend you don't know how old I am)
  9. Chop wood - This is a yes and no. Yes I can but no I don't have to because that's why God built gas fireplaces
  10. Shoot a rifle - Another yes and no I know how but choose not too as I don't like guns of any kind.
  11. Make a dry martini - Yes and this knowledge was not good for my health during a certain low period in my life.
  12. Keep a checkbook balanced - Once again yes and no, yes I can but no by virtue that I don't have a checking account. (Once again thanking God for creating credit cards)
  13. BBQ - Isn't this one a genetics thing? You know all those X and Y chromosomes. If not I'm almost sure that it was chapter 11 or 12 in my "How to Become a Man Handbook" given to me around the 5-6 year old range or as soon as I could read. If I remember correctly there was a picture book version for preschoolers "Baby's First BBQ Handbook"
  14. Lay a fire - No you say but I thought you were a boy scout. I was but I never said I was good at it.
  15. Change a fuse
  16. Polish shoes
  17. The ability to read stock quotes in the business section - It should be noted that although I do know this I've never had enough money to invest so while I do know how to do this I'm not sure what ever possessed to me to learn how to do it in the first place Maybe I was bored. Also, I'm just thinking out-loud here, aren't the quotes always in the business section? I mean do they ever put them sometimes next to say the comics? Hmm, maybe that's not such a bad idea. I mean considering recent events. I'm just sayin'...
  18. Keep score at a baseball game
  19. Jump-start a car
  20. Know how to throw a punch - Only if I have to but I'm not generally a violent person
  21. Own a tuxedo
  22. Know how to judge a new wine - I've never been asked to judge a wine but I know a good one when I taste one.
  23. Do your own taxes at least once in your life - Yes and never again (Thanking God once again this time for creating H & R Block)
  24. Know how to play poker
  25. Carry a handkerchief - Another yes and no, yes I have once and after the experience of carrying a wet, snot laden rage around in my pocket all day pretty well helped me make up my mind that it was not something I would ever be doing again. To be honest I can not for the life of me understand why anyone would carry a handkerchief. I know that it's more environmentally friendly because a tree has to die to make my tissues but I'll take shorter showers to compensate. (Thanking God once more for Kleenex)
I've just read my answers and it sure is good that God is around. I mean look at all the things we wouldn't have without him/her and that's just based on the items I mentioned in the list. I know there's like tons of other stuff he/she has created that we would be lost without. Think about it, microwaves, dishwashers, television. The list could go on and on but I'll leave it there.

Anyway, I got 15 out of a possible 25 which isn't to bad. So I guess I'm a pretty good man when it comes down to it. I definitely know I'm a gentlemen. I mean after all, I did grow up in New Orleans. You learn all about being a gentlemen in the "How to Become a Man Handbook" I mentioned earlier It was in chapters one through five, or was it seven, hang on maybe it was a separate book altogether. Now I'm confused but I know I read it in a book somewhere. All I know for sure is that "Yes Ma'am or No Ma'am" and "Yes Sir or No Sir" are as good as scripture growing up in the south and there can be serious consequences for not using those words. Maybe it's from the "Mind Your Manners Handbook" Southern Edition.


A Lewis said...

I'm just happy that you know how to shoot a rifle and chop wood. Every gay man's dream!

Ur-spo said...

i will come visit you and show you how to tie a bow tie.

tornwordo said...

Gentlemen don't throw punches, do they? And rifle toting gentleman also sounds like an oxymoron.

Volacious said...

Hi TJ :-)
Stumbled across your blog tonight, hope you don't mind me stealing your meme!
All the best,