4 September 2008

Letting it all hang out...

Tuesday night was a bit of an emotional night for me. I'm not even sure what hubby and I were talking about when everything started to disintegrate but I basically ended up having a little meltdown. My feet were hurting super bad. They started hurting while I was in hospital and the specialist neurologist had me increase one of my medications to try to calm my feet down. The specialist believes that the new pain is a result of the nerves in my back that have recently been untangled. He also believes that the pain will subside as the nerves begin to calm down and they get back to performing in a normal manner. I hope he is right. The increase in medication not only brings my pill count for the day up to 41 tablets but the additional medication does a trip on my head and makes me extremely sleepy and zonked out.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah my feet were hurting really bad and they had been hurting all day even though I had taken the extra medication. I had also taken an extra pain reliever that I have in case of emergencies. I was so medicated that I should not have been feeling any pain but I was. I laid down in a dark room with the covers over my head to shut out the world in some attempt to make the pain go away but unfortunately it wasn't the world that was the problem it was my feet and I could not get away from them seeing that they are attached and believe me I was more than willing to have them cut off at that point.

I got up after a few hours. I think I did eventually pass out ay some point becasue even my feet passed out from the pain. They literally oveloaded with pain. I went into the living room and sat in one of the chairs that is most comfortable for my back after the surgery. I tried watching television to distract my thoughts from my feet but this pain would not go away. The pain was a constant ache. It seemed like it would never leave it felt like it was always going to be there. My thoughts and emotions were on overload. Hubby could tell I was not feeling well and somehow the conversation started. I'm not sure what was said but at some point the walls came tumbling down and all of the pain, angst, turmoil and raw emotion that I had been holding in for basically the last three years came pouring out.

Ever since my feet started acting up three years ago I have been struggling to maintain some semblance of my life and who I am. I have given up so many freedoms and I feel completely helpless. I'm unable to drive due to the various medications I have to take to keep the pain at bay and so I have to depend on hubby for whenever I need to go to the store or for what ever errands I need to run. I feel bad having to ask him all the time "Will you take me here or will you pick these things up". There are many things I would like to do around the house but either the pain stops me from either completing a job or from even staring the job. I would love to work in my garden but I can't due to the various positions you have to get in to pull weeds and plant plants. Everything I do some how either affects my feet or is affected by the pain in my feet which keeps me from accomplishing the task. I can't even focus on typing up a post for the blog because I end up falling asleep in front of the computer. I know you see these long post and you're reading this one now but it takes me forever to actually process the post itself before I can even hit the publish button.

So I ended up blubbering all of this to my hubby. I told him how I feel like a non entity. I feel worthless and in many ways ashamed. I used to be someone and now I don't know who I am. I try to keep this calm exterior with the occasional lapse but in most cases I keep all of my fears and troubles to my self. I suppose with the recent back surgeries everything just became to much. The added pain in my feet even if it is temporary it is here now and it just throws up in my face all of the fears and angst I have about my life. I hope beyond hope that this added pain will be just temporary because if it's not it will just be another blow to my inner self, even though I know it's not my fault it just becomes one more thing I can't fix nor do I have any control over and I need to feel I have some control over my life once again.

Hubby is worried about me but I told him I would be okay and that I felt better for finally talking to him. I never talked to him before because he has so much on his plate now with his mum's cancer and all. I know he is my partner and I should be able to tell him things. I was trying to do the right thing. We have talked since Tuesday night and we had a nice quite day out yesterday starting with a lovely breakfast at a local cafe. I know in my heart that things will eventually even out it just sometimes has to be re-evaluated and we all sometimes need to ask for help. I'm lucky that I have a partner that is willing to lend me that help.


Ur-spo said...

I can not imagine your pain and what it must do to you. You are a brave soul.

Joseph said...

The pain must be so unbearable; I cannot even begin to imagine what it is like for you. I am glad that you have your husband to support you during this difficult time. You are in my thoughts and prayers.