7 March 2010

My how time flies...

...when you're doing other things besides writing in your blog. Hey there everyone, believe it or not I'm still alive and well. I'm sure some of you have given up the ghost and decided to stop coming by to read this blog and that's okay. As for those of you who do check in every once in a while, I admire your will of conviction to stay with something and I thank you. I understand that this venue is my space and it lives when I say it lives, it breathes when I say it breathes and sleeps for as long as I want it to sleep. I quit promising that I would actively keep writing in this blog because I hate breaking promises. So now that I'm comfortable with posting when I want, or at least as comfortable as I'm going to get with not posting except when I want to post; I am then able to come here when the urge hits and today the urge hit.

My life has been one huge roller coaster ever since a fateful day back in April 1986. That was the day that I found out that my life would change forever. That was the day I thought I was going to die sooner rather than later. That was the day I found out that I was HIV positive. A lot has happened since that day and hence why I said my life has been a roller coaster ride and sometimes the ride from hell. There have been many twist and turns, a few big loops, a couple of really long drops and one to many bumps. Non the less I continue on this roller coaster I now call my life, twist, turns, loops, bumps and all.

Since that day I fought tooth and nail to stay with the program but at times I felt like giving up as it is/has been all too much. I have been so sick that I was at deaths door one to many times. The disease took me there on a few occasions and other times I took myself there by abusing my body with one too many drinks and a lot of other substances that I should have stayed away from. After all of that I'm still here and sometimes I can't believe that I am because technically I should have been gone so long ago just by way of abuse not to mention giving the disease a leg up.

Oddly enough during all of this time I have been able to love and be loved. Now, I have loved many times in my life but specifically I found love three times since that day. I never thought I would be able to have love and live long enough to engage in relationship with another person but I did. Unfortunately for me of those three loves I lost two of them I did not lose them due to incompatibility in the relationship. I lost them to a demon that I could not battle nor win against Those two loves/lives were taken from me by the angel of death.

After the first death I never thought I would be able to love again. I had my heart torn out of my chest the day he died and that hole took a lot of time before it filled back in. The second time death stole love from me it not only ripped out my heart but it took a large part of my soul with it also. I knew then that I was never going to love again as I could not bear the thought of enduring that type of pain and emotional heartbreak ever again. Love on the other hand is a a funny thing and it had different plans for me. Whilst I was grieving the lose of my second love I met a very kind soul who put out the hand of friendship and understanding. This person allowed me to pour out my heart and all the time whilst I relieved my pain they just sat there and listened and listened and listened and then they listened some more. They allowed me to talk for hours on end and at the end of each emotional dumping on my part they where still there to tell me that I/it would be okay and eventually I believed them. What surprised me the most about this friendship is that I found out that I could also love again. Love was something that I had forgotten and it had dropped completely off my radar but even though i didn't see it love was till there waiting for me and waiting for the right moment for me to let it back into my heart.

I not only found that I could love again but I found a person to love and as I said love is a funny thing because I found love when I was least expecting it. I found love within the person who lent me a gentle hand and a non-judgmental ear. That man allowed me to pour my guts out and to talk days on end about the great lose of love I had with another man and yet in the end he was still willing to open his heart and allow me to feel so loved that at first it was a bit overwhelming. I was not sure I could or want to love again. The contrast between the warmth and kindness I felt for this man combined with the terrible agony that tore at my heart and soul from the lose of another man made my head spin. In the end I decided to throw caution to the wind and gave love another chance. I realised after all of those hours of talking that love is what you make it and sometime you fall out of love and sometimes love is taken from you but no matter what, you will always be able to love if you choose to do so. So as I said I chose to love again and because I did I have just celebrated the eleventh year of being in love with the most caring, kind, compassionate, warm, giving, and sometimes intense but always loving man I have been so blessed to meet. Oh and did I mention he's not bad on the eye either.

So, I say Happy Anniversary to my most wonderful husband and to him I say thank you for helping me find love again.



first, congrats on your 11th anniversary together. these days, it's a lifetime commitment.
you say HIV "changed" your life back in 1986. i don't think it did. it changed YOUR expectations, but it didn't change who you are. so, all things considered, this MAY just be the life you were meant to live. and to say you've loved 3 times in your life is often more than others can claim.
it may be frightnening, painful, discouraging, but you've also got your blessings. you appreciate them at another level that might have been unknown to you otherwise...

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on your anniversary! I have a history similar to yours but I’ve only lost one partner.