15 June 2007

Where am I? Who am I?

No, I don't have amnesia, I just feel a bit lost especially about this blog. I'm having one of those moments again where I'm trying to figure out what to write or even why I keep working at this thing. To be honest that's a big part of it; keeping a blog is work. I mean trying to think up witty things to post for those people that stop by is not an easy task. And then of course I start feeling guilty if I go a few days without writing something. I just don't know. Lets look at it this way, I'm supposed to be doing this for myself and rather or not I write something of interest and by chance also make it witty or I write nothing at all should be totally up to me. So, if I understand that it's my blog and I'll write if I want to then what's the problem? Maybe there isn't a problem.

The fact remains I'm not the most interesting of writers. I'll never be witty like Mark, Joe or Dirk. I'm just me and at the end of the day I'm resigned to the fact that this is a boring blog and the only reason I do it is so that occasionally I can let my family know what's up with my life and on rare occasions I post some long languishing list of things I like and dislike as if anyone wants to know. I'm not writing this so someone will comment and say "Hey don't be so hard on yourself". I don't really care. I just want to rant and once again you, the reader get to read a bunch of tripe. I've done it before and I'm sure I'll do it again.

Anyway, as to the question of where and who I am. I'm still here in the land down under and I'm still me, a 49 year old guy who has been HIV+ for 21 plus years and I'm looking forward to my 50th B-day this year. I have a loving partner whom I have been with going on 9 years. He loves me and I love him which works for the both of us. We have a nice home (with no mortgage) plus an apartment in reserve in Sydney (again no mortgage). (The houses really belong to my hubby but he lets me say they belong to us) I never have to worry about being homeless. I have a small amount of money in savings, although it is a very small amount that I have worked at saving and it won't take care of me in my old age retirement (if I get there), but it's nice to have a little money in savings to feel good about. We have a few close and cherished friends who we can depend on and I am grateful to have them. All in all I suppose life is not so bad.

So, what do I have to complain about? Well, I do have the neuropathy problem with my feet which keeps me in pain. I still take 12 pills a day because I continue to try to keep HIV from winning and killing me. I worry about my mum who lives half way around the world and at the end of the day I can't just pop over to see her or be there in a second if she needs me. I miss seeing my daughter and my granddaughter, especially miss seeing my granddaughter grow up. And last but not least we have a rare hermaphroditic cat who fights constantly with all of the other cats in the neighbourhood because she/he or they can't decide if she/he is just being butch or just a plain bitch.

At the end of the day I'm alive albeit boring I'm here and for better or worse here I will remain. Read it if and when you want and I'll write if and when I want. Thanks for letting me ramble and besides it's a post for better or worse.


hello, my name is danny. said...

i sometimes feel the same way about my blogs. they're supposed to be for my own personal use/therapy/pleasure/whatever. but i do appreciate that others stop by and read and it's kinda cool to know that someone thinks that what i have to say is of interest. and as much as i would love to entertain people on a daily basis, it just isn't possible. so we just have to resign ourselves to that fact and get over the pressure of maintaining a blog. do it for you and enjoy it for whatever pleasure it gives you without worrying about pleasing an audience.

Nathan said...

It's amazing how much energy we put into worrying about whether or not our blog will be interesting to others.

My favorite blogs are the ones that are most relatable for me. They don't have to be anything particular and it makes no difference if they are daily/weekly/monthly. I put them in my list of RSS feeds and there they are.

I'm glad to hear that you are healthy and happy with your loving partner. I'm sorry to hear that you are in constant pain. I'm also sorry that you have to miss out on your family members.

That is the hardest part about living in Australia, I'm sure.

I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to share your feelings with your readers. That is what makes a blog interesting to me :)

Lewis said...

So, it's your blog....who cares if it's boring or fancy or hyped up or sexually charged...or whatever. It's yours. To do with as you please. I'm not even so sure that there has to be "a reason" for the blog. It just "is." Sometimes it's busy, sometimes not. Cycles, seasons. They all fluctuate.