Miss me much??? I do too...

As usual I have neglected this blog so much that even I thought it was no longer functioning. Then I realised it was I that was no longer functioning or for that matter writing. Anyway, here I am and I'm coming back with a not so happy post. I'm not even sure why I'm sharing this but non-the-less I am, so read on if you care to but remember it's not a very happy post.

As many of you know or maybe you don't either way I'll remind you that I have been and still am HIV positive and have been since 1986. Now the fact that I have lived with this dread disease for 25 years and am still around to be writing about it is wonderful. Well, wonderful that I'm alive not wonderful that I've had to live with this disease for so long and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. I am one of those unlucky ones that watched one to many of my friends loose their lives to this disease including two of my own partners. It will actually be exactly 25 years to the date on the 16 of this month that I found out I was positive. It's funny how you remember certain life changing things. Well maybe not so much funny as just plain odd/interesting/strange, you get my point.

I am lucky in that I was able to survive long enough to have access to the antiviral medications that became available in 1994. Those drugs and have extended and saved many peoples lives since then. I'll be honest it's not been nor is it for anyone a joy ride taking these medications with all of their various side effects like constant diarrhoea, nausea etc. Regardless, I persevered and finally found a combination that provided me with the protection I needed and had the least amount of side effects. Now, I have taken this combination of medications for over 9 years and through all of that time they have kept my little friend (aka the virus) at bay, tucked away in it's own little corner not bothering anyone.

The drugs, if you don't already know, are supposed to keep the virus at such a low level that it has a hard time replicate and as such has a hard time destroying your immune system. At the same time by holding the virus at bay and with your immune system not under constant attack the system itself is better able at repairing itself and bringing your defences up to normal or higher levels of protection. My counts as far as the virus is concerned are always in the undetectable range which is where we want it to be and my immune system albeit on the low end of normal nevertheless is in the normal range. That is until 4 weeks ago...

It seems that after all of these years of gliding along rather smoothly. My little friend has decided that it is not content with playing all by itself in that dark little corner. No, it wants to come back out and play in the sunshine with all the other immune cells, blood cells and all the other parts of my body. It just wants to have fun again. Problem is, when it has fun I don't. So, what am I saying? Well, what I'm saying is I now have a detectable viral load and my immune system is headed to the no go zone. Now, we don't need to panic because there are lots of new medications to choose from so there should be some combination I can take that will send my little friend back into his little hole where he will hopefully stay for a very long time. We have done some blood work to see what medications I have apparently be come resistant to and can no longer use and then allow us to to decide what other new medications I can try and we will go on from there.

I know I shouldn't worry but I'm not very happy at the moment. It's not that I was fooled to believe that the virus had left the building. I've not only lived with it for to long but I've also worked in the field of HIV education so I know the in and outs of this terrible disease. It's just a kick to the head and it makes you suddenly feel so damn vulnerable. All from something we can't see with the naked eye but that we got from being naked. Hmmm, I digress Anyhoo, no time to wallow in self pity, nor would I as I did enough of that a long time ago. Lets figure out what we're going to do and just do it. I've got nothing to loose and so much to gain.

12 of 12 for August 2010

Hello there all of you 12 of 12 fans. Yes, it's that time of the month again and I once again will try to entertain you with my photographic expertise or at least give you something to laugh about. As usual I have to give major credit for the 12 of 12 project. If it was not for the ingenuity of this man we would not have so many people each month taking part in this international photographic exhibition/experience. Anyway enough with the chatter I took these pictures around where we currently reside. So with no further adieu I give you the 12 of 12 for August 2010. Enjoy... (I hope)

Good morning with a self portrait

Hubby always brings me a Chai Latte in the mornings right after he has completed a 10 hour shift in the ER saving lives and stuff like that. He is so sweet.

Just a pretty flower to start my walk

Anyone want to go fishing?

Can you guess what this one is or what the symbol stands for?

How about putting your thinking caps one for this one too.

Just a pretty shot of the ocean and the ongoing fight between it and the land

Just a sign cut out of sandstone celebrating the beaches surf lifesavers.

A palm tree growing along with its fruit or should I say dates

The beautiful layers of the rack/sandstone. Amazing what nature and how it creates beautiful pictures without even trying

Shadow, shadow on the wall

Beehive Bovine and French Moodle are off to do a bit of shopping again...

Well that's it for ths month. I my post some thing here again before next months 12 of 12 but I'm not promising any thing I will definitely see you next time around. Take care one and all...

5 things about me and so on...

This is a long post but it's not so sad and depressing as the last one. Well that is if you don't mind looking at list about me and my life. Anyway, I got this from another blogger so very long ago and i can't remember who so I'll just give a general thank you to everyone and hopefully one of you will be the one I got this from. Enjoy...

5 jobs I have had:

Bus Boy

Mail Room Clerk

Job Recruiter

Retail Manager

Sexual Health Educator

5 movies I can watch over and over:

Auntie Mame

The Long, Long, Trailer

Happy Texas

Sordid Lives

All About Eve

5 places I have lived:

Grand Rapids, Michigan

New Orleans, Louisiana

Dallas, Texas

Sydney, Australia

Hobart,Tasmania

5 TV shows I love:

Will & Grace

The Golden Girls

Hell's Kitchen

That 70's Show

Judge Judy

5 places I have been on vacation:

Sydney, Australia

Cradle Mountain, Tasmania (Australia)

St. Petersburg, Florida

San Francisco, California

Los Angeles, California

5 types of my favorite foods:

Mexican

Thai

Indian

Italian

Cajun/Creole

5 places I would rather be now:

Touring Europe

Cruising the Greek Islands

Canada

Las Vegas

Japan

5 stores I could not live without:

Old Navy (if I still lived in the states)

Angus & Robertson Bookstore

David Jones Food Hall

Rodd & Gunn

Dick Smith Electronics

5 things I would do if I won the lottery:

Go on a vacation around the world

Put some of it into savings and term deposits (CD'S)

Pay off all my debts

Help my family where I can

Make donations to my favourite charities

5 things I say daily:

I'm alive

I love you, to my hubby

Things have to get better

Where's the cat?

What do you want for dinner?, to hubby

5 things that make my day:

Waking up next to my hubby

A day without pain

Watching the sunrise

Seeing new things starting to grow in my garden

When hubby not only makes dinner but also does the dishes afterwards.

5 things that annoy me:

When my internet connection dropout

Incompetent and rude salespeople

Incompetent people in general

Government inconsistencies

The cat constantly wanting to go in and out. (I would put in a cat door but have o place to put one)

5 things I cannot live without:

My hubby

My family and friends

My books

My iPod

My computer

5 cars I have owned:

Ford Pinto (My first car)

Datsun 1600 Roadster

Ford Fiero

Mazda Miata

Volkswagen Golf

5 of the best concerts I have attended:

Paul McCartney and Wings

Joni Mitchell

Eric Clapton

Led Zeppelin

Elton John (with just him and a piano)

5 favorite restaurants around town I would be seen in:

Marque IV (Modern Australian)

Maldini Cafe (Italian)

Mezethe's Greek Taverna (Greek)

Anapurna (Indian)

Mai Ake (Thai)

5 things I did today:

Checked my emails

Went out for breakfast

Went to the grocery store

Watched some television

Worked on this blog post

5 things in my refrigerator that I cannot live without:

Bottled water (only because I can not drink tap water)

Real milk (it's non-homogenized so the cream floats to the top. Basically straight from the cow)

Salad greens

My home made garlic butter

fresh fruit (currently apples(

5 things in my pantry that I cannot live without:

Cereal

Olive oil

My spices

All of my teas

Chai mix

To Facebook or not to Facebook...

...that is the question. Well at least the one currently on my mind. My niece recently (yesterday) sent me an invitation to see some pictures that she posted to her Facebook account. I being the ever curious uncle went over to have a sticky beak (Australian for being nosey) and see the pictures but when I got there I found out I needed to join Facebook in order to see the pictures. Now, I used to have a Facebook account some time ago, but deleted that account because I never really spent enough time with it to keep my interest and there was very little interaction with the few friends I had as contacts. However, this time it looks like it will be different. After signing up and then being directed to my niece's pictures I then had another sticky beak around her facebook page. I came to realised that she was linked to several of my family members, including my mother. Who knew? Apparently everyone but me.

So, I've spent the last day and a half setting up the account and having a look around as to what I could do with the account. I'm suddenly feeling like I'm being drawn into the whole Facebook thing, which is just like me. Of course I'm always late to the party. What I mean by that I finally get interested in something just as everyone else is in the been there done that mode and moving on to the next thing aka Twitter. Hell, I didn't get an iPod until years after they came on the market. Blogging was the same story. Anyway, I'm going to give Facebook another go and we shall see where it leads me. So, if you want to become a friend on Facebook just look me up and send me an invitation. If you can't find me, leave a comment here with an email addy or logged into blogger or send me an email if you already have my address. I'll then be glad to add you to my list. Until next time take care and enjoy...

What's the question???

Or better still where are the questions. In my last post I asked you my loyal readers to ask me a question that you wanted answered and so far I've only received one question. Now I know that there are more of you out there that want to have a peek into my life. I mean isn't that one if not the only reason you read my blog. I surely know it's not for the witty dialog. I figure you read this blog to have a "sticky beak" (Australian slang for looking or putting you nose into someones life to see how the other half lives) into my life. So, once again ask me a question. Nothing is off limits and if you do ask me a question that is off limits. well I just won't answer it but what the heck you 'll never know unless you ask. As I stated in the last post, every Wednesday I will answer the questions asked the previous Wednesday and then I will answer any new questions the following Wednesday and so on. Get those thinking caps on and find out more about me than you really need to know.

(PS put your question in the comments section of the last post or this one)

What's up Wednesday...

It's Wednesday here in the land down under and I want to try something new. As you read in yesterday's post I listed 10 things you did not know about me. Well now it will be your turn to ask. Starting today, every Wednesday I will answer any and all questions you want to ask about me. So, every Wednesday just leave a question in the comments section and then the following Wednesday I'll answer your questions. Then on the day I answer questions you will once again leave your questions for the next Wednesday and so on.

You can ask me anything and by anything I mean anything. If I decide it is off limits I'll tell you it's off limits but you don't know unless you ask. You can ask me about my childhood, or about my school days. You can ask me about my health or questions about what it's like to live with HIV after 23 years. I'll answer questions about what brought me to Australia and what I had to go through to get here. I'll answer just about anything. I won't answer any blatant sex questions. However you can ask toned down questions like "Have I ever had sex in the office?" and the answer is yes as I told you in the last post, but don't ask me to describe my dirtiest sexcapade because I won't answer you. Those stories are or me to know and for you to never find out. Other than that the field is wide open. So, put on your thinking caps and let me hear from you. I look forward to your questions and I can't wait to answer them.

See you next Wednesday with a few posts in between. Until then enjoy and take care...

Guilty, that's me...

Okay I'm going to list this post under 10 things you never knew about me and I never thought I would tell you. So here goes:

1. I sleep the way I was born, in the fetal position. Okay, I meant in the nude but sometimes I do end up in the fetal position depending on the day I had.

2. I hate oysters but I have sucked the heads of crawfish. (read into that what you want)

3. I've been in two accidents and one hit and run with a yield sign. The first two were not my fault. The last one I never knew it happened until the next morning. (again read into that what you want)

4. When it comes to television viewing two of my guilty pleasures are watching "Charmed" and "Sex in the City". Don't judge me you don't know me.

5. Lately, I cry at the drop of a hat and for a lot of other reasons too. Seriously, I find myself crying at the most innocuous things while watching something on telly. Maybe I'm becoming more sensitive as I get older. No, that's not it.

6. When I was much, much younger and very foolish I had a few risque (aka nude) pictures taken of my self and my then partner. I took possession of said photos and they came into close contact with a match and as the say ashes to ashes.

7. I had sex at the office. Once again when I was very, very young and foolish and I'm not telling you if it was with a colleague or the boss.

8. I believe in re-incarnation and I used to torment the nuns at my school by asking questions about it. I also spent a lot of time doing jobs around the convent for being impertinent.

9. I have a low tolerance for stupidity and the people who pretend to be.

10. When it comes to boxers or briefs, I like a little of both. Once again when I was wild and impetuous I usually went commando.

You know after reading this list I did a lot of things when I was younger. Gee, how things do change. Anyway I hope you liked reading this little list, maybe I'll come up with some more fun little facts later on. Until then Enjoy...

Breaking News...

We interrupt the nail biting, on the edge of your seat, and holding your breathe for the next episode of "Hospital World" to bring you this breaking news:

Someone very special is having a birthday. It has come to our attention that one of our staff writers will be celebrating his birthday today. Now for those of you in the Northern Hemisphere this breaking news will not actually happen until tomorrow so please disregard this news bulletin until we prepare an appropriate news flash to interrupt your reading of "Hospital World" tomorrow. We apologise for the inconvenience of having to make you wait but he wasn't technically born until tomorrow where you are so the rules are the rules. On the other hand, for those of you in the Southern Hemisphere please join us in wishing our senior staff writer all the best today and also wishing hm a very Happy Birthday.

This ends our news flash and we now return to your regular scheduled reading.

I'm still waiting...

...or maybe I'm not. Maybe there's not enough of you out there that want to leave me a suggestion/comment as to what I might write on my blog. I guess that speaks volumes. Maybe I'm just being a big baby and throwing a tantrum because no one wants to play with me. Well except for that one guy and maybe he should distance himself as he wouldn't want to be known as the guy that played with the kid no one else wants to play with because he doesn't fit in. Don't get me wrong this is not a pity party even if it sounds like one, believe me I learned to play with myself a long time ago. (HaHa I made a funny)

Maybe I shouldn't have expected anymore of a response than what I got and it was my fault for expecting/assume that people would respond. Maybe as I said before in an earlier post I am just a bitter, angry, jaded old man that was trying to be part of this whole blogging thing. Maybe I'm just not cool enough. I've never posted any pictures of hot, lean, ripped, half naked men with sweat pouring off them in all the right places. I don't talk about all the kinky sex or dates I've had in the past few weeks/days. At the same time I don't tear into the current administration in control of the USofA. Although mind you I have plenty to say but to be honest it's all been said before by so many other bloggers all saying the same things so who needs one more blogger to rehash the same old news. Maybe I'm just not a good enough writer to come up with witty repartee and double entendres to fill a few paragraphs.

To be honest with you I don't know what I'm waiting for, and I probably never will. As I said I could start showing half naked pictures pictures, begin writing huge rants on Bush Jr. trash Madonnas latest CD or even write up some of my sexual escapades (believe me you don't want to know as they are way to vanilla) and really it's all been done before. So why bother? I might as well just keep putting out my plain nondescript stuff about everyday life, as boring as it may seem to many but in reality it's what most of life is about. At the end of the day I write about what is happening in my life and if that's boring to you, then I can't help you. But don't say I never gave you the chance to have me write something else .

What did I ever do to you???

I was sitting here minding my own business trying to think about what to write when the next thing I know I get and email saying a comment had been left on one of my post by this lovely man. That comment turned out to be a “Tag” for a meme. I’m not sure if filling out this meme is going to be easier or harder than creating a random post either way I’ve been tagged so like a good little soldier, I do what I got to do.

Here are the rules of the meme:

1. Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

(Note to Bigezbear “I’ll get you my pretty…and your little dog too”)

7 facts about myself, some random and some wired:

1. I’ve never had a broken bone and the closest I’ve come is a sprained ankle
2. I had what is described as juvenile epilepsy, but I’ve been seizure free since about the age of 16-17. Apparently the abnormal brain pattern that let doctors know I have/had epilepsy can still be found today however it’s not active. I was told that when I hit puberty the hormones put the epilepsy in check. So what I’m really telling you is I was a late bloomer.
3. I hate the taste of coffee but love the smell. (I know that’s not very unusual but what the hell it’s true and this meme is about me) PS I love tea
4. I’m allergic, and will die, to intravenous iodine. You know, the type used for contrasting in certain types of x-rays. Nine times out of ten whenever I’m about to have an x-ray that requires views both with and without contrasting I have to argue with the lab technician who wants to inject me with the iodine because someone has forgotten to note the allergy on my chart. The doctor in charge has to be called and I have to explain; then nine time out of ten I’m told I won’t get the best images due to the lack of the iodine and my response is well that’s okay at least I’ll still be alive. Go figure
5. I hate snakes so much I can’t even look at them through the glass displays at the zoo. I will even go so much as to change the channel on television if I come upon a show about them.
6. I didn’t come out until I was 24. (Once again a late bloomer although looking back I have memories of same-sex attractions as far back as age 8)
7. Last but not least I was not always a cat person, in fact for a very long time I hated cats. I thought they were sneaky and just plain creepy. I used to have dogs for pets growing up. It’s not that I don’t like dogs now; it’s just that I’ve found cats easier to maintain. However, if/when something happens to the current cat in residence it will be time to switch sides

Well that wasn’t so hard, although it also wasn’t that enlightening either. I thought about telling you a few really bizarre things but then thought better of it. As I said they were really bizarre and best kept a secret, if you know what I mean.

Now who shall be tagged? I don’t usually tag people but in the spirit of playfulness and what’s good for me is good for a few well chosen others here goes. Please don’t hate me because I’m beautiful merely do so because you were tagged.

Nathan Exposed
Our View on Superior
Zeitzeuge
The Banal Chew
Spirit of Saint Lewis
Spo-reflections
Esoteric Diversions

Enjoy…

Fruity, fruit, fruit...

I saw this little meme thing here and thought it was cute. My results I believe are quite accurate. Enjoy...

You Are a Strawberry

You are friendly, outgoing, and well liked by many people. You are popular, but there's nothing ordinary or average about you. You are a very interesting person, and you have many facets to your personality. Sometimes you feel very conflicted. Your different sides of your personality pull at you. You are a very sensual and passionate person. You are fiery... you can't help it. In general, you keep your passionate side under wraps. You are only wild in private.

What Type of Fruit Are You?

Sleepy, sleepy, sleepy...

Hello blog world. I seem to be having a little trouble getting to the key board currently but bear with me and I will attempt to do my best over the next few days/weeks. Let me explain. During may recent stay in hospital the specialist fine tuned my new medications which translates to he had fun playing around with the dose levels along with how many times of day I would be taking the medications. At one point he told me that the high levels and frequency of the new medications along with the high level of pain medications I am taking would knock me about a bit or in real words they will make me sleepy, a bit vague in the head etc. I told him at the time I didn't care as long as they helped.

While I was still staying in the hospital I guess I didn't notice the full effect of the medications. By the time I left my most pleasant stay in hospital, in which I'm sure you have all read about in the two previous post, but let's not revisit that most meaning full part of my personal life history. As I was saying, while in hospital because I basically laid around in bed a large portion of the day not having anywhere else to go and my biggest distraction was some very boring local television I did a whole lot of sleeping. Even during the those periods at which I was taken done to the scan area in a wheel chair I guess I just didn't notice the "knocked about" feeling considering how bloody bored I was.

Since I've been home that "knocked about" has become a bit more noticeable. I'm trying to do "normal" things and I'm finding my self challenged from all sides. I can't get past two pages of the current book I'm reading (Hannibal Rising by Thomas Harris for those interested). I start to nod off during conversations if there is a lapse in the conversation. Watching television is hopeless. Walking around is fine as far as the feet pain goes because the medications are working but at the same time I get the waves of light-headed dizziness that come out of no where and with out warning so I suddenly have to stop walking for a moment to steady myself. The biggest thing to deal with is the fact that if no one wakes me to take my pills (thank you hubby) I would sleep right through the next dose until the current dose wore off which would defeat the purpose of taking the new pills. It has been a chore keeping on top of my new pill schedule.

Anyway, that's why the title "Sleepy, sleepy sleepy...". All I seem to be doing is sleeping or trying not to would be a better way of looking at it and when I'm not sleeping I'm trying to keep my head on straight. All of this just so my feet don't hurt. In the end I will survive because I am told that these effects will eventually taper off or I will simply adjust to them. So please bear with me as I can't promise when I'll post much less can I promise or take credit for the content or should I say I cant promise everything I write will make sense which might actually be "normal" for me, who knows. You know how I tend to ramble. Take care and Enjoy...

Guess who ???

It's me! I'm back, but just barely so let me get my bearings and I'll write a big post about it later today. Thanks to everyone for all of their well wishes and kind notes. They meant a lot to me. It's kind of funny having friends that you've never met but on one level you seem to know so well. Thanks again and as I said I'll write all about my big scary trip to the big city and even worse my unforeseen imprisonment in hospital.

Round and round he goes...

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Who am I???

I saw this over here and thought it would be fun.

*** THE EVERYTHING TEST ***

There are many different types of tests on the Internet today. Personality tests, purity tests, stereotype tests, political tests. But now, there is one test to rule them all.

Traditionally, online tests would ask certain questions about your musical tastes or clothing for a stereotype, your experiences for a purity test, or deep questions for a personality test. We're turning that upside down - all the questions affect all the results, and we've got some innovative results too! Enjoy :-)

Here are my results:

PERSONALITY
You are more logical than emotional, more concerned about others than concerned about self, more atheist than religious, more loner than dependent, more lazy than workaholic, more rebel than traditional, more engineering mind than artistic mind, more cynical than idealist, more leader than follower, and more introverted than extroverted.

As for specific personality traits, you are innovative (57%).

STEREOTYPES
Prep (85%)
Punk Rock (67%)
Old Geezer (67%)

LIFE EXPERIENCE
Sex (52%)
Substances (30%)
Travel (38%)

POLITICS
Your political views would best be described as Liberal, whom you agree with around 46% of the time.

SOCIOECONOMIC
Your attitude toward life best associates you with Working Class. You make more than 0% of those who have taken this test, and 100% less than the U.S. average.

If your life was a movie, it would be rated R. By the way, your hotness rank is 62%, hotter than 55% of other test takers.

TAKE THE TEST

Powered by ThatSurveySite - http://www.thatsurveysite.net

One word blog...

This is supposed to be a one answer meme and I'll do the best I can, but like the person I pinched this from I can't promise I'll make it through with only one word. Anyway, here's some more mindless tripe about my life.

1. Where is your mobile phone? In the living room
2. Relationship? Yes, working on 9 years
3. Your hair? Short
4. Work? Retired
5. Your sister(s)? None
6. Your favourite thing? Shopping
7. Your dream last night? No
8. Your favourite drink? Chocolate Tea from here
9. Your dream car? Can't drive due to pain medication I have to take daily
10. The room you’re in? Kitchen
11. Your shoes? Brown
12. Your fears? Snakes
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Alive
14. With whom did you hang out with this weekend? My husband
15. What are you not good at? Not worrying
16. Muffin? Blueberry
17. Wish list item? My mum to come visit my home in Australia
18. Where you grew up? Texas via - New Orleans - via Michigan
19. The last thing you did? Took shower
20. What are you wearing? T-shirt and lounge pants
21. What are you not wearing? Shoes
22. Your pet? Cat
23. Your computer? HP
24. Your life? Good
25. Your mood? Tired
26. Missing? Dad
27. What are you thinking about? Answers for this meme
28. Your car? Volkswagen Golf
29. Your kitchen? Needs remodeling
30. Your summer? Still 5 months away
31. Your favourite colour? Blue
32. Last time you laughed? This morning
33. Last time you cried? Last night
34. School? So long ago
35. Love? James

Where am I? Who am I?

No, I don't have amnesia, I just feel a bit lost especially about this blog. I'm having one of those moments again where I'm trying to figure out what to write or even why I keep working at this thing. To be honest that's a big part of it; keeping a blog is work. I mean trying to think up witty things to post for those people that stop by is not an easy task. And then of course I start feeling guilty if I go a few days without writing something. I just don't know. Lets look at it this way, I'm supposed to be doing this for myself and rather or not I write something of interest and by chance also make it witty or I write nothing at all should be totally up to me. So, if I understand that it's my blog and I'll write if I want to then what's the problem? Maybe there isn't a problem.

The fact remains I'm not the most interesting of writers. I'll never be witty like Mark, Joe or Dirk. I'm just me and at the end of the day I'm resigned to the fact that this is a boring blog and the only reason I do it is so that occasionally I can let my family know what's up with my life and on rare occasions I post some long languishing list of things I like and dislike as if anyone wants to know. I'm not writing this so someone will comment and say "Hey don't be so hard on yourself". I don't really care. I just want to rant and once again you, the reader get to read a bunch of tripe. I've done it before and I'm sure I'll do it again.

Anyway, as to the question of where and who I am. I'm still here in the land down under and I'm still me, a 49 year old guy who has been HIV+ for 21 plus years and I'm looking forward to my 50th B-day this year. I have a loving partner whom I have been with going on 9 years. He loves me and I love him which works for the both of us. We have a nice home (with no mortgage) plus an apartment in reserve in Sydney (again no mortgage). (The houses really belong to my hubby but he lets me say they belong to us) I never have to worry about being homeless. I have a small amount of money in savings, although it is a very small amount that I have worked at saving and it won't take care of me in my old age retirement (if I get there), but it's nice to have a little money in savings to feel good about. We have a few close and cherished friends who we can depend on and I am grateful to have them. All in all I suppose life is not so bad.

So, what do I have to complain about? Well, I do have the neuropathy problem with my feet which keeps me in pain. I still take 12 pills a day because I continue to try to keep HIV from winning and killing me. I worry about my mum who lives half way around the world and at the end of the day I can't just pop over to see her or be there in a second if she needs me. I miss seeing my daughter and my granddaughter, especially miss seeing my granddaughter grow up. And last but not least we have a rare hermaphroditic cat who fights constantly with all of the other cats in the neighbourhood because she/he or they can't decide if she/he is just being butch or just a plain bitch.

At the end of the day I'm alive albeit boring I'm here and for better or worse here I will remain. Read it if and when you want and I'll write if and when I want. Thanks for letting me ramble and besides it's a post for better or worse.

What's in a name

I did this what does your name mean thing, that I've been seeing on a few other blogs, and I got two really different views. First I got this using my full name:

What Anthony Means

A is for Alluring N is for Naughty T is for Tempting H is for Honest O is for Old N is for Normal Y is for Young

What Does Your Name Mean?

...and then I got this using the name most people call me:

What Tony Means

T is for Terrific O is for Old N is for Natural Y is for Young

What Does Your Name Mean?

What I find strange is that both said I was "Old". I won't deny that I'll be 50 this year (OMG!!!) but I sure as hell don't feel old. Anyway what really makes me wonder is that the "N" stands for three totally different things. First lets look at "Natural" and "Normal", all I can say is I try to be both. Secondly, we have "Naughty". Well all I'm going to say is "No Comment" and will definitely plead the fifth on that one :)

Quiet is as quiet does...

Well it's been pretty darn quiet around here as of late. It's that time of year when we start slowing down because winter is on it's way. The trees have all but lost their bright fall coloured leaves. All of the flowers in the garden have gone to sleep. My biggest problem is trying to decide what to wear, because it's cold in the mornings but warmish by afternoon. Soon it will stay cold but until then can you imagine my dilemma.

Anyway, not much else going on here. I have been feeling a lot of aches and pains and have had a few strange maladies occurring within and on my body. I'm not sure if it's the change of weather, or if I'm just getting older, or if it may something a bit more sinister and related to the HIV. I have my blood work done this coming Friday so that will tell if all is well on the inside, or at least from a medication stand point. It may be just my body reacting to all of the medications I have had to start taking. Sometime, I feel like I am back to where I started. I had gotten my pills down to just three pills twice a day, all up six, but now I'm taking double that (12). I suppose it could be worse because I think at the height of my pill taking it was 21 so I guess 12 isn't so bad. It may just be me wanting to rant a bit and get the angst out of my system. We are going for a drive up the coast tomorrow to have lunch near the ocean, it will be good.

Oh and here is something new, ocasionally I'm going to do a word of the day and/or a quote of the day so today I'll do both to get it started.

Todays word is:

bon vivant \bon-vee-VONT\, noun:
A person with refined and sociable tastes, especially one who enjoys fine food and drink.

Todays quote:

"We must not allow the clock and the calendar to blind us to the fact that each moment of life is a miracle and mystery."

H. G. Wells English author, historian, & utopian (1866 - 1946)

Another year passes...

Twenty-one years ago in April 1986 my life changed forever. I figured that I would have said this about September 1981 (that's when I came out to everyone) but more important is that date in April 1986.

I went through hell and back when I first came out to my friends and family. I had spent so many years living a lie and in the end it almost killed me. When I finely told people I felt all of that pressure lift from my shoulders. I cruised along for the next five years exploring my new life and it was most definitely a new life for me. During that time I lost many of my old friends and relations with my family were strained, but they got better with time.

I was a young gay man living in the 1980's and the world was one of outrageous excess. I like so many others lived life like there was no tomorrow. We spent to much on clothes, cars, apartments and other material items. We partied to much, drugs and alcohol were our friend. Sex was just something you did, and you did it a lot. What we didn't do when we had that sex was we didn't use condoms. We didn't know we had too.

In 1981 there was a ripple of conversation beginning in a few large cities more specifically in San Francisco, LA and New York. That conversation became a large unknown as a clusters of gay men were suddenly getting sick and doing so very quickly. Those men were also dying from what ever was making them sick. In Dallas Texas we heard the rumors but no one was really sure what the truth was and unfortunately for many we continued to lead our lives to excess.

As the years progressed we named this disease. First back in 1981 it was called GRID (Gay Related Immune Deficiency) but health authorities soon realised that nearly half of the people identified with the syndrome were not homosexual men. In 1982, the CDC (Centre for Disease Control) introduced the term AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome) to describe the newly recognized syndrome. In 1983 the virus that caused this syndrome was discovered by a French scientist and a year later an American scientist confirmed this discovery. However there was a huge debate as to who should be credited because each scientist called their virus something else even though they were talking about the same thing. Eventually in 1986 it was agreed that this new virus would be called HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus).

By 1986 the conversation about HIV was stronger than it had been but many of us were still living on the edge and occasionally we did not heed the new warnings that we need to use condoms. I lost so many friends in those first years between 1981 and 1986. It was a bad time in the gay community but at the same time it was a time of great commoradery because no one was going to look out for us as many thought we deserved this disease and that we desreved to die. They gay community started support groups and other organisations to help those who other were going to leave to die. I continued losing friends all the way up to 1998. I remember one month in 1984 I lost 30 friends and or acquaintances all in the same month.

I had the worst flu ever in September 1985 and was ill for the entire month. Even after the initial illness wore off I just never felt right. I went to see the doctor and he kept giving more antibiotics for various chest infections and strange inflammations. I had not come out to my doctor so he had no idea that there was even a remote chance that I could have been exposed to HIV. I alos was not sure I wanted to know if I had been exposed. By late March 1986 both the doctor and I were extremely frustrated trying to find out what was wrong with me. I finally decided that I had to tell him and that I thought it would be best that we run an HIV test. We did just that and a few weeks later (the test took longer in those days) we got the results.

I was HIV positive!

Like almost every person I have talked to and/or have know personally that received the same news, the first thing I did was cry! At that time finding out you were HIV+ meant you were going to die. There was no treatment to prolong life and there definitely was no cure. So where was I supposed to go from there? In answering that question it would take me way to long answer and it would make this post even longer that it is now. The short version is this. I worked until I got so sick and couldn't work anymore. I tried ever new drug that came out and some of them almost killed me. I tried to lead a normal life and found a partner but unfortunately he eventually died from complications of HIV and I buried him. I tried love again but he also died from complications of HIV and I buried another partner. I almost gave up but finally met someone who is still with me.

I am still living with HIV every day twenty-one years later. I take 12 pills a day to stay alive a;long with a positve attitude, which is sometimes very difficult, and I look forward to every day. So as another year passes I am grateful to be here but I am also aware that I have fought long and hard to be where I am and will continue to do so because I am worthy of living. If you are truly interested in reading all of the sorted details, you can do so here.