Keep moving in a forward direction....

That's what I need to keep telling my self and at the same time remind my self not to break or drop anything on the way. As you know things are a bit fragile around here and we are just waiting for something to crack wide open. In some ways it would be best if certain things did just up and fall apart because then at least we could focus on taking care of the fall out. As it is all we can do is make plans as to what we think we should do which is difficult since we don't know for sure what, how and when we will have to put the plan into action.

The whole looking for a job is a joke. Everyone I talk to tells me to not take it to heart and that I'm not the only one in this predicament. I appreciate the thought but unfortunately it doesn't pay the bills at my house nor does it, I'm pretty sure, at the homes of all the other people who are apparently in the same boat as I am at the moment. Now, don't get me wrong, I do very much appreciate every ones support and kind words. I know you care and that means a lot to me. it also helps especially when I feel so down, undervalued and unappreciated. I just don't know what the answer is. I'm drowning here and there's not a life raft in site.

At the same time we are walking on egg shells when it comes to the subject of hubby's mum and her cancer. Things are getting worse by the day and as such we are taking things day by day. It's a terrible thing when someone has a terminal illness and even more so when it is a loved one. You feel so helpless, not knowing what to do. You know what the outcome will be but you just don't know when. Now some people would say well you never really know when you're going to die and to some extent this is true but when someone is given a diagnosis of a terminal disease. It's not so much that they know when they are going to die but that the know that they are going to die earlier than they might have wanted and still they're not sure when. It's very messy ball of tears, fears and emotions. Somehow we will work through it.

At the moment we are just going to hunker down and hold on with all we have left. We will deal with what ever comes our way and make tentative plans to regroup and see where we stand and what are options are at the end of the year. That's five months from now and believe me a whole lot of s#*t can happen in that small amount of time. So until then we plan to keep moving in a forward direction with the occasional side ways detours of which hopefully there won't be too many, too difficult or too painful.

That was a winner...

Well I'm back from my every third month trip to Sydney. As usual I went to see my neurologist to see how things are going with my peripheral neuropathy. My check-up went well. I'm not any worse but I'm also not any better. Although I have to clarify one point. When I say I've not gotten any worse I mean that the damage that has been done to my nerves has not spread. The damage that has been done to my nerves can not be fixed at this time as there is not cure. So what we keep checking is to make sure no new damage occurs and that the current damaged cells don't some how affect something else in my body. For instance, I have been having trouble going to the bathroom (No. 1 for those that really need to know) for several months. Since my back surgery that problem has gotten better because the surgery opened some nerve pathways that cut off by the obstructed nerves unfortunately the surgery couldn't fix it completely and it's not 100% but we keep moving forward. I'm not sure if that made sense but it's hard enough for me to understand much less explain.

I have had an increase in pain and the specialist believes it's one of three or a combination of three things. Those things are, 1) I'm stressed about finding a job and the stress is affecting my damaged nerve cells making them act up more, 2) because I have been getting the feeling back in my legs ever since the back surgery which was meant to do just that, give me back the feelings in my legs, however the reconnection of these nerves may serve as a new venue (pathways) for the damaged cells to send out even more incorrect impulses then they already send out. The biggest problem with that is those impulses happen to be pain impulses, and 3) it may just be a case that my current pain medication is being metabolised by my liver quicker and so we will have to raise the pain medicine levels. The specialist is erring on the side of caution and he has raised my pain medicine and we will review it in three months at which time I hopefully will have a job which will reduce the stress.

Oh and before I forget it, when I said that was a winner I was referring to my 12 of 12. It seemed to have gotten a lot of people's attention and I'm glad. I will continue to do the 12 of 12 and who knows what we shall see. You'll just have to stick around and check in, at least every 12th day of the month. Other than the visit to Sydney the only other news is 1) my mum seems to have come through the surgery fine and it looks like they got all of the cancer. They will have to monitor from here on but it looks good and 2) I have a second interview with a company I had a 30 minute telephone interview last week. The second interview is this Thursday at noon and unless I totally f&%k this interview up I believe I should be able to get an offer from this place. I will let you know what happens as soon as I know. Until then take care and stay safe...