Flashback: Who knew...

I came out to my parents in 1981 and for a short time our relationship became strained. We were both trying to come to terms with my coming out, both for very different reasons. At one point I did not speak to my parents for almost two years. Things started to get better slowly and with some concerted effort and a little time to breathe we began to start talking again. I came down with the flu in the fall of 1985. I thought maybe it would pass like any cold or flu, but for some reason it just kept hanging around. I wasn't throwing up and febrile all the time during those four weeks but I knew it was not normal to feel this way for so long. I just could not shake this flu off.

I was working as the General Manager of a local restaurant and putting in around 55 - 65 hours a week. The company I worked for had no health plan, so I could not afford to see a doctor. At the time I got sick the relationship with my parents had gotten better and we had come to a comfortable place. They did not like the fact that I was gay, but they learned that I was still their son just as I always had been, and would continue to be. I promised not to be too "gay" when I visited them as long as they tried to start to understand where I was coming from and give my the benefit of the doubt.

Anyway, my mom has worked for doctors all her life, and actually just recently stopped working but that's another story. I made a call to her one day while she was working and explained that I really needed to see a doctor and asked her if I could see the family doctor. Our family doctor for whom my mother worked for at the time had known our family for over 25 years, but he did not know that I was gay. I told my mom about having this flu and the fact that it just would let go and also suggested that I should probably be tested for HIV. The world was just really starting to talk about HIV/AIDS awareness back in 1985, and I was in a high-risk category. Mom at first disagreed because in asking for an HIV test I would have to disclose my lifestyle to the doctor. At the same time my mom knew I needed to see the doctor because we had to get a handle on whatever was wrong with me. I think at that point my mother had two problems. First, she still didn't want a lot of people to know that I was gay and secondly and most of all I think she did not want to find out the truth that I might be HIV positive. I didn't really want to find that out either. I ended up seeing the doctor without mentioning anything about HIV or about me being gay. The doctor did some routine blood test but not the test for HIV. He started me on some broad spectrum antibiotics to treat my symptoms, but I never really got better.

I kept having to see the doctor on and off every few weeks until April of 1986 and during that time he ran all sorts of test. In fact just about every test except the one for HIV. By April 1986 I had changed jobs and was now working as a manager for a major retail chain, working up to 65+ hours a week. I continued to be fatigued and I was losing weight faster than I could eat. I had also just started my second year of what would end up to be a four year relationship that wasn't going well and would end abruptly, so needless to say stress levels were very high. I decided to tell my mother that this had gone too far and that I really needed to be tested for HIV and that if she didn't want the family doctor to know then I would go to the clinic and have the test run, but I needed to know! My mom said she would rather see the family doctor than going to a clinic, so I did. When I saw the doctor I told him about my lifestyle and about my life in general. I also told him that there was a good chance that I could have been exposed to the virus. He was furious, not because of my lifestyle but because I had not told him earlier, in his eyes we had just wasted six months of my life when we could have tried treating my symptoms from another angle. Although treating HIV was harder then, than it is now, we still could have been doing other things to try and make me feel better. We decided to run the test!

Two weeks passed and finally late one afternoon, on a day that I luckily had off from work, the doctor called and told me he needed to see me in the office first thing in the morning. I don't claim to know everything, but at that point I knew what he had to say, and it would have to wait until the morning. The next day I was at the doctor's office bright and early. My mom was at work and she was in a good mood (I later found out that the doctor had not talked my mother until he talked to me, which is the professional and ethical way, even though as I said our families had been very close). So, I sat in the exam room, you know those cold sterile little rooms, waiting to hear the results of the test, and I already knew the answer. When the doctor came in the first thing he did was shake my hand and asked me how I was feeling. I told him I had been feeling better but not quite up to par yet. Then he said it "Tony the test came back positive." Reality hit I was HIV positive and I started to cry.

Now remember it was 1986 and at that time finding out you were HIV+ was death sentence. Like so many of my friends I didn't know where to begin in relation to what to do next. The biggest thought in my mind was how long would I have before the virus won. Of course the doctor couldn't answer that question, but at that time the thought process was that at most I would have probably five years if I was really lucky. I resigned my self to that fact and started to think what I really needed to do from that point. I never knew that in the end I would be able to say that in a little over a month from now, 2007, I will reach my 50th birthday. Unlike many I am excited to turn 50 and I'm extremely proud of what I have accomplished. I look forward to many more years but I never have and never will take for granted all the years that I have been afforded. Who knew...

A lesson learned...

I was about three or four years old when I was first taken advantage of and this is how it happened. (This is not a repressed memory so lift your minds out of the gutter and read on) It was either summer or spring because no snow was to be found for as far as my little eye could see or remember. I had on shorts and a T-shirt. I looked the part of a typical little blond-haired blue-eyed boy. My blond hair was that kind that was almost white and I endured being called tow-head for as long as I can remember. There were relatives visiting us that day, specifically my grandparents and my mother’s younger sister. Now my aunt had been born late in my grandparent’s life so she was only a few years older than my older brother and I. My older brother is three years older then I and because he and my aunt were both older they tended to play a lot together leaving me out of the loop. I was too young to play in their reindeer games. (Nod to Rudolph)

I remember that day was typical in that I was left to entertain myself while my brother and aunt did their best to get rid of me. At some point they decided that they were going to go to the store to buy some candy and soft drinks with the allowance they had saved up. They also knew I would not be able to go with them as the store was to far away. I too got a small allowance of five cents a week which to me seemed like a fortune. I don’t remember if I asked them or they approached me before they left but I knew I wanted to go with them and they were not having any part of that. I pleaded and whined as best a small child can plead and whine, but to no avail. However, they did relent and finally told me that they would bring me back something from the store if I gave them my money.

Now five cents was not a lot but as I said to me it was a fortune and in those days we still had penny candy so I knew I could get five pieces of some mouth watering sugar coated delicacy. Even at that young age I knew full well that they might be lying to me. I knew that they might keep my money and I would never see it or the candy. I eventually succumbed to the overpowering urge of soon having a giant Jaw Buster, a box of Boston Baked Beans or several pieces of bubble gum which my mother would surely take away from me as soon as she knew I had any of it especially the gum, but until that time I would enjoy every sweet morsel. I gave them my five cents and made them promise they would bring my prize. They of course said they would and off they went to the store.

Now you know as well as I do that waiting for a present no mater how big or small can seem like an eternity to a small child. I mean it was like waiting for my birthday to come around or worse yet waiting for Christmas morning to arrive to see what Santa had placed under the tree. Needless to say I was not very patient. At some point I started to believe that my brother and aunt had just taken my money and worse yet they had bought the candy I requested and were eating it themselves. I had to do something quickly if I was to ever see my money and/or my candy.

It was at that moment that I decided I would walk to the store by myself and find the thieves and confront them red-handed, so off I went. Now once again being that young my perception of time let alone distance was not that great. The walk to the store felt like it was taking forever and I knew the longer it took the more time those two had to eat all that was mine. Years later I would go past my old house and realise that the store was not all that far away but at the same time it was still way to far for a child to walk to by them self. Anyway, I continued to walk what seem like forever and finally made it to the store. The two thieves were no where to be seen outside the store so I went inside to look for them. This was a kind of five and dime store which had a little bit of everything; it was the Walgreen's of its day. I could not find the two of them anywhere in the store. I searched the candy aisles where I was easily distracted by the feast that surrounded me and eventually I gave up my quest to find the culprits. At some point I decided that they could no longer be trusted to bring what had been promised and I decide to get it myself.

I started to pick up a few of the tasty item before me and then thought maybe I had should venture over to the toy aisle to see what I could procure. I found a set of army men and even though I had some at home I knew I could never have enough and it would be easier to set up my battlefields with more men to create an even bigger army. My hands were full and I figured I best get going because I knew my parents would start to wonder where I was. I headed for the door and had actually stepped outside when a car pulled into the parking space right in front of the door. That car was our car and inside it was my mother and she was not happy.

My mother got out of the car and asked me what I thought I was doing. So I told her what tragedy my brother and aunt, her sister had done to me. I got the feeling she did not believe me. She marched me inside to the check out counter and told the lady behind the counter that I had something to tell her. The woman asked who had something to tell her and my mother pointed down to me. The woman leaned over the counter and there I was my arms loaded down with my ill gotten gains. They woman was very surprised to say the least and as my mother started to poke and nudge me I told the woman what I had done. It seems that I was so small that no one had paid me any attention and I had almost walked away with my treasure but unfortunate for me I was the one that got caught red handed.

I was taken home after apologising to the lady at the store even though I still thought I had done nothing wrong. I also had to return my precious cargo even though I thought it was unfair because the way I saw it I had paid for those things and it was up to my brother to give my money for said items to the lady behind the counter. Anyway, I came to find out that those who would steal from and take advantage of a sweet naive boy had arrived back at the house just shortly after I left and it was they who made my parents aware of the fact that I was no where to be found. In the end for all of my trouble I was the one that got punished not so much for stealing but for walking all the way to the store on my own. I would have thought that stealing would have been a much bigger crime. The moral of that story is if you want something done, do it yourself.

I wrote this long laborious story based on a recent comment saying that maybe I needed to write something about my childhood or past life experiences. Maybe I’ll do better next time.

A blast from the past...

I don't know why I'm posting this, but for some reason I felt the need to share. This post originally occurred on my other web site which tells the story of my life dealing with HIV up to a point. I am sorry to say that the site needs a complete update and I need to finish my story and maybe just maybe I'm feeling the need to do so. Anyway, as I said I'm not sure why I'm posting this but I am. Let me set this up a bit.

The post I'm about to share was written based on a letter I received from my daughter. Now you should know that for the first 13 years of my daughters life I had only seen her once and that was the day after she was born. I had to sneak up to my then wives room and I held my daughter for a precious fifteen minutes. I then had to leave for fear that my soon to be ex-wife's family might show up. Even though my wife and I were divorcing due to the fact that I had finally come to the realisation the I could no longer live a lie about my sexual orientation. I had been battling that dark secret for way to long and at that point there was no way I was going to bring a child into the world and have her see her parents living in a lie. Many people tried to get us to stay together for the sake of the baby but I just couldn't. As I said I would not have my child grow up seeing and feeling the fact that her parents did not actually love one another anymore. I say anymore because I have to be fair that in some way even though inside I knew I was gay I fought so hard against it and I did actually find a woman for whom I could feel love. To this day I honestly do care for my ex-wife. she's a good woman and she raised my daughter to be a very well adjusted young woman and I could not ask anymore than that. We had some how come to a friendly arrangement and I give my ex-wife a lot of credit for she was very wise before her time. My ex-wife and I had agreed that for my daughters sake it would be best for me to stay in the background so as not to confuse the issue. I suppose on reflection it was not the best choice, never the less it was the choice we made.

For the next thirteen years my daughter grew up to be a lovely girl from what little things I found out through various avenues. The how I found out does not matter suffice it to say I found out. My ex-wife had remarried and I even went as far as allowing my daughter to be adopted by my wife's new husband because I thought it was the right thing to do. At the time I did not think I deserved to have a daughter as I was very good at becoming a self loathing gay man, not worthy of proper love, understanding and support from various friends and family. What I did not know was that during all time she was growing up my ex-sister in-law was keeping my daughter in tune with who her real dad was. My sister in law apparently told my daughter everything, including the fact that I was gay. Which she told her only because my daughter pressed her for the answer. Now I could be mad at my ex-sister-in-law for outing me but the truth would eventually have to come out and as it was that would be the impetus for my daughter wanting to meet me. The way I understand it she asked her mother who did not want to say anything about me and my daughter said fine she would find out on her own and eventually got my parents on the phone and talked to them.

In those thirteen years my life changed a lot and during that time I had become HIV+ as well I had buried the first of two partners. I was living with the second partner, when my mother called me to tell me that my daughter had called her and that she wanted to meet me. My daughter asked my mum if she thought I would be okay with meeting with hear after all this time. To say the least I was bit shocked. There had not been a day go by since the day she was born that I did not think about my daughter and wondered how she was or what she was like. Needless to say I said yes I would be more than happy to meet her. I knew in my heart that one day I would have to meet her and she would eventually ask me what happened thirteen years ago and why did I leave. I did not know what she had been told so I would be flying blind but I figured the best way forward would be with honesty. So the day came to meet and my mother had arranged for my daughter, along with my dad, to come to my home. My partner at that time used to be a professional photographer among other things and he was going to take some pictures of my family all together for the first time. Needless to say the meeting was very emotional so much that I can not even convey it here in words. At the end of the day the photos were taken and a new beginning began to form between my daughter and I. Shortly after that meeting I received a letter from my daughter and in that letter was what ended up being the post that I'm about to share with you.

So without further adieu here is that post:

A few weeks ago I wrote my previous column, and I discussed the trials and tribulations of taking all the different medicines I need to help my immune system fight the HIV virus. I often asked myself wondering if it was all worth it. Well several days after writing that column I received a letter from my daughter and I got the best answer as to why I continue to fight this disease. I would like to share this letter with you. I think you'll agree I have a very good reason to fight back against this devastating disease.

Dad, Hi! How are you? I'm just fine. Well I wrote this poem two years ago and never gave it to you. I hope it doesn't upset you, something just told me inside that I should send you a copy of it. Well I gotta go!

Love always & forever, Erin

ps. I just want you to know that I love you with all of my heart even though I haven't known you for all of my life. A girl couldn't ask for a better dad. I'm proud of you & everything you have ever accomplished. I love you daddy!


Is Life Fair?

I just met my dad the other day.
There is so much more that I want to say.

His body is a wilting flower,
Here today, then gone tomorrow.
Yet his spirit is like the ocean.
It waves up and down,
One day calm and the next rough.
I ask myself "Is life fair?",
"Why my despair?"

I think of my wedding day.
How will it be?
Who will give me away?
Who will stand next to me?

He wears a smile.
But inside he is frowning.
I sometimes wonder is he drowning?

My father loves me with all of his heart
I know in spirit that we will never part.
But, it just hurts really bad.

Life is robbing me of my dad.

That letter and poem have stuck with me to this day and in the end here we are in my daughters 25th year and she is all grown up and she's even given me a granddaughter. I've obeyed the doctors and will be lucky to see my 50th birthday this November. I don't know if or when my daughter will get married but at the end of the day if she stills wants me to walk her down the aisle it will be my pleasure. All in all as difficult as it can be I think life is good because I have won this battle so far. Anyway, thanks for reading and now we will return to our regularly scheduled and much more current posts.