A lesson learned...

I was about three or four years old when I was first taken advantage of and this is how it happened. (This is not a repressed memory so lift your minds out of the gutter and read on) It was either summer or spring because no snow was to be found for as far as my little eye could see or remember. I had on shorts and a T-shirt. I looked the part of a typical little blond-haired blue-eyed boy. My blond hair was that kind that was almost white and I endured being called tow-head for as long as I can remember. There were relatives visiting us that day, specifically my grandparents and my mother’s younger sister. Now my aunt had been born late in my grandparent’s life so she was only a few years older than my older brother and I. My older brother is three years older then I and because he and my aunt were both older they tended to play a lot together leaving me out of the loop. I was too young to play in their reindeer games. (Nod to Rudolph)

I remember that day was typical in that I was left to entertain myself while my brother and aunt did their best to get rid of me. At some point they decided that they were going to go to the store to buy some candy and soft drinks with the allowance they had saved up. They also knew I would not be able to go with them as the store was to far away. I too got a small allowance of five cents a week which to me seemed like a fortune. I don’t remember if I asked them or they approached me before they left but I knew I wanted to go with them and they were not having any part of that. I pleaded and whined as best a small child can plead and whine, but to no avail. However, they did relent and finally told me that they would bring me back something from the store if I gave them my money.

Now five cents was not a lot but as I said to me it was a fortune and in those days we still had penny candy so I knew I could get five pieces of some mouth watering sugar coated delicacy. Even at that young age I knew full well that they might be lying to me. I knew that they might keep my money and I would never see it or the candy. I eventually succumbed to the overpowering urge of soon having a giant Jaw Buster, a box of Boston Baked Beans or several pieces of bubble gum which my mother would surely take away from me as soon as she knew I had any of it especially the gum, but until that time I would enjoy every sweet morsel. I gave them my five cents and made them promise they would bring my prize. They of course said they would and off they went to the store.

Now you know as well as I do that waiting for a present no mater how big or small can seem like an eternity to a small child. I mean it was like waiting for my birthday to come around or worse yet waiting for Christmas morning to arrive to see what Santa had placed under the tree. Needless to say I was not very patient. At some point I started to believe that my brother and aunt had just taken my money and worse yet they had bought the candy I requested and were eating it themselves. I had to do something quickly if I was to ever see my money and/or my candy.

It was at that moment that I decided I would walk to the store by myself and find the thieves and confront them red-handed, so off I went. Now once again being that young my perception of time let alone distance was not that great. The walk to the store felt like it was taking forever and I knew the longer it took the more time those two had to eat all that was mine. Years later I would go past my old house and realise that the store was not all that far away but at the same time it was still way to far for a child to walk to by them self. Anyway, I continued to walk what seem like forever and finally made it to the store. The two thieves were no where to be seen outside the store so I went inside to look for them. This was a kind of five and dime store which had a little bit of everything; it was the Walgreen's of its day. I could not find the two of them anywhere in the store. I searched the candy aisles where I was easily distracted by the feast that surrounded me and eventually I gave up my quest to find the culprits. At some point I decided that they could no longer be trusted to bring what had been promised and I decide to get it myself.

I started to pick up a few of the tasty item before me and then thought maybe I had should venture over to the toy aisle to see what I could procure. I found a set of army men and even though I had some at home I knew I could never have enough and it would be easier to set up my battlefields with more men to create an even bigger army. My hands were full and I figured I best get going because I knew my parents would start to wonder where I was. I headed for the door and had actually stepped outside when a car pulled into the parking space right in front of the door. That car was our car and inside it was my mother and she was not happy.

My mother got out of the car and asked me what I thought I was doing. So I told her what tragedy my brother and aunt, her sister had done to me. I got the feeling she did not believe me. She marched me inside to the check out counter and told the lady behind the counter that I had something to tell her. The woman asked who had something to tell her and my mother pointed down to me. The woman leaned over the counter and there I was my arms loaded down with my ill gotten gains. They woman was very surprised to say the least and as my mother started to poke and nudge me I told the woman what I had done. It seems that I was so small that no one had paid me any attention and I had almost walked away with my treasure but unfortunate for me I was the one that got caught red handed.

I was taken home after apologising to the lady at the store even though I still thought I had done nothing wrong. I also had to return my precious cargo even though I thought it was unfair because the way I saw it I had paid for those things and it was up to my brother to give my money for said items to the lady behind the counter. Anyway, I came to find out that those who would steal from and take advantage of a sweet naive boy had arrived back at the house just shortly after I left and it was they who made my parents aware of the fact that I was no where to be found. In the end for all of my trouble I was the one that got punished not so much for stealing but for walking all the way to the store on my own. I would have thought that stealing would have been a much bigger crime. The moral of that story is if you want something done, do it yourself.

I wrote this long laborious story based on a recent comment saying that maybe I needed to write something about my childhood or past life experiences. Maybe I’ll do better next time.

A blast from the past...

I don't know why I'm posting this, but for some reason I felt the need to share. This post originally occurred on my other web site which tells the story of my life dealing with HIV up to a point. I am sorry to say that the site needs a complete update and I need to finish my story and maybe just maybe I'm feeling the need to do so. Anyway, as I said I'm not sure why I'm posting this but I am. Let me set this up a bit.

The post I'm about to share was written based on a letter I received from my daughter. Now you should know that for the first 13 years of my daughters life I had only seen her once and that was the day after she was born. I had to sneak up to my then wives room and I held my daughter for a precious fifteen minutes. I then had to leave for fear that my soon to be ex-wife's family might show up. Even though my wife and I were divorcing due to the fact that I had finally come to the realisation the I could no longer live a lie about my sexual orientation. I had been battling that dark secret for way to long and at that point there was no way I was going to bring a child into the world and have her see her parents living in a lie. Many people tried to get us to stay together for the sake of the baby but I just couldn't. As I said I would not have my child grow up seeing and feeling the fact that her parents did not actually love one another anymore. I say anymore because I have to be fair that in some way even though inside I knew I was gay I fought so hard against it and I did actually find a woman for whom I could feel love. To this day I honestly do care for my ex-wife. she's a good woman and she raised my daughter to be a very well adjusted young woman and I could not ask anymore than that. We had some how come to a friendly arrangement and I give my ex-wife a lot of credit for she was very wise before her time. My ex-wife and I had agreed that for my daughters sake it would be best for me to stay in the background so as not to confuse the issue. I suppose on reflection it was not the best choice, never the less it was the choice we made.

For the next thirteen years my daughter grew up to be a lovely girl from what little things I found out through various avenues. The how I found out does not matter suffice it to say I found out. My ex-wife had remarried and I even went as far as allowing my daughter to be adopted by my wife's new husband because I thought it was the right thing to do. At the time I did not think I deserved to have a daughter as I was very good at becoming a self loathing gay man, not worthy of proper love, understanding and support from various friends and family. What I did not know was that during all time she was growing up my ex-sister in-law was keeping my daughter in tune with who her real dad was. My sister in law apparently told my daughter everything, including the fact that I was gay. Which she told her only because my daughter pressed her for the answer. Now I could be mad at my ex-sister-in-law for outing me but the truth would eventually have to come out and as it was that would be the impetus for my daughter wanting to meet me. The way I understand it she asked her mother who did not want to say anything about me and my daughter said fine she would find out on her own and eventually got my parents on the phone and talked to them.

In those thirteen years my life changed a lot and during that time I had become HIV+ as well I had buried the first of two partners. I was living with the second partner, when my mother called me to tell me that my daughter had called her and that she wanted to meet me. My daughter asked my mum if she thought I would be okay with meeting with hear after all this time. To say the least I was bit shocked. There had not been a day go by since the day she was born that I did not think about my daughter and wondered how she was or what she was like. Needless to say I said yes I would be more than happy to meet her. I knew in my heart that one day I would have to meet her and she would eventually ask me what happened thirteen years ago and why did I leave. I did not know what she had been told so I would be flying blind but I figured the best way forward would be with honesty. So the day came to meet and my mother had arranged for my daughter, along with my dad, to come to my home. My partner at that time used to be a professional photographer among other things and he was going to take some pictures of my family all together for the first time. Needless to say the meeting was very emotional so much that I can not even convey it here in words. At the end of the day the photos were taken and a new beginning began to form between my daughter and I. Shortly after that meeting I received a letter from my daughter and in that letter was what ended up being the post that I'm about to share with you.

So without further adieu here is that post:

A few weeks ago I wrote my previous column, and I discussed the trials and tribulations of taking all the different medicines I need to help my immune system fight the HIV virus. I often asked myself wondering if it was all worth it. Well several days after writing that column I received a letter from my daughter and I got the best answer as to why I continue to fight this disease. I would like to share this letter with you. I think you'll agree I have a very good reason to fight back against this devastating disease.

Dad, Hi! How are you? I'm just fine. Well I wrote this poem two years ago and never gave it to you. I hope it doesn't upset you, something just told me inside that I should send you a copy of it. Well I gotta go!

Love always & forever, Erin

ps. I just want you to know that I love you with all of my heart even though I haven't known you for all of my life. A girl couldn't ask for a better dad. I'm proud of you & everything you have ever accomplished. I love you daddy!


Is Life Fair?

I just met my dad the other day.
There is so much more that I want to say.

His body is a wilting flower,
Here today, then gone tomorrow.
Yet his spirit is like the ocean.
It waves up and down,
One day calm and the next rough.
I ask myself "Is life fair?",
"Why my despair?"

I think of my wedding day.
How will it be?
Who will give me away?
Who will stand next to me?

He wears a smile.
But inside he is frowning.
I sometimes wonder is he drowning?

My father loves me with all of his heart
I know in spirit that we will never part.
But, it just hurts really bad.

Life is robbing me of my dad.

That letter and poem have stuck with me to this day and in the end here we are in my daughters 25th year and she is all grown up and she's even given me a granddaughter. I've obeyed the doctors and will be lucky to see my 50th birthday this November. I don't know if or when my daughter will get married but at the end of the day if she stills wants me to walk her down the aisle it will be my pleasure. All in all as difficult as it can be I think life is good because I have won this battle so far. Anyway, thanks for reading and now we will return to our regularly scheduled and much more current posts.

Another year passes...

Twenty-one years ago in April 1986 my life changed forever. I figured that I would have said this about September 1981 (that's when I came out to everyone) but more important is that date in April 1986.

I went through hell and back when I first came out to my friends and family. I had spent so many years living a lie and in the end it almost killed me. When I finely told people I felt all of that pressure lift from my shoulders. I cruised along for the next five years exploring my new life and it was most definitely a new life for me. During that time I lost many of my old friends and relations with my family were strained, but they got better with time.

I was a young gay man living in the 1980's and the world was one of outrageous excess. I like so many others lived life like there was no tomorrow. We spent to much on clothes, cars, apartments and other material items. We partied to much, drugs and alcohol were our friend. Sex was just something you did, and you did it a lot. What we didn't do when we had that sex was we didn't use condoms. We didn't know we had too.

In 1981 there was a ripple of conversation beginning in a few large cities more specifically in San Francisco, LA and New York. That conversation became a large unknown as a clusters of gay men were suddenly getting sick and doing so very quickly. Those men were also dying from what ever was making them sick. In Dallas Texas we heard the rumors but no one was really sure what the truth was and unfortunately for many we continued to lead our lives to excess.

As the years progressed we named this disease. First back in 1981 it was called GRID (Gay Related Immune Deficiency) but health authorities soon realised that nearly half of the people identified with the syndrome were not homosexual men. In 1982, the CDC (Centre for Disease Control) introduced the term AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome) to describe the newly recognized syndrome. In 1983 the virus that caused this syndrome was discovered by a French scientist and a year later an American scientist confirmed this discovery. However there was a huge debate as to who should be credited because each scientist called their virus something else even though they were talking about the same thing. Eventually in 1986 it was agreed that this new virus would be called HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus).

By 1986 the conversation about HIV was stronger than it had been but many of us were still living on the edge and occasionally we did not heed the new warnings that we need to use condoms. I lost so many friends in those first years between 1981 and 1986. It was a bad time in the gay community but at the same time it was a time of great commoradery because no one was going to look out for us as many thought we deserved this disease and that we desreved to die. They gay community started support groups and other organisations to help those who other were going to leave to die. I continued losing friends all the way up to 1998. I remember one month in 1984 I lost 30 friends and or acquaintances all in the same month.

I had the worst flu ever in September 1985 and was ill for the entire month. Even after the initial illness wore off I just never felt right. I went to see the doctor and he kept giving more antibiotics for various chest infections and strange inflammations. I had not come out to my doctor so he had no idea that there was even a remote chance that I could have been exposed to HIV. I alos was not sure I wanted to know if I had been exposed. By late March 1986 both the doctor and I were extremely frustrated trying to find out what was wrong with me. I finally decided that I had to tell him and that I thought it would be best that we run an HIV test. We did just that and a few weeks later (the test took longer in those days) we got the results.

I was HIV positive!

Like almost every person I have talked to and/or have know personally that received the same news, the first thing I did was cry! At that time finding out you were HIV+ meant you were going to die. There was no treatment to prolong life and there definitely was no cure. So where was I supposed to go from there? In answering that question it would take me way to long answer and it would make this post even longer that it is now. The short version is this. I worked until I got so sick and couldn't work anymore. I tried ever new drug that came out and some of them almost killed me. I tried to lead a normal life and found a partner but unfortunately he eventually died from complications of HIV and I buried him. I tried love again but he also died from complications of HIV and I buried another partner. I almost gave up but finally met someone who is still with me.

I am still living with HIV every day twenty-one years later. I take 12 pills a day to stay alive a;long with a positve attitude, which is sometimes very difficult, and I look forward to every day. So as another year passes I am grateful to be here but I am also aware that I have fought long and hard to be where I am and will continue to do so because I am worthy of living. If you are truly interested in reading all of the sorted details, you can do so here.

Boy, how time flies...

I saw this meme over here and it has been sitting on my desktop for a while. Since I have not written anything in a few days I figured this was better than nothing. What I find form this list is that I'm pretty consistent and at the same time if you could see in between those years you would never believe what I have done to get where I am today. Not all of it good but not all of it bad either. Anyway, have a read and let your imagination run wild.

20 years ago

1.) How old were you? 29
2.) Where did you go to school? I had not been to school in over 10 years
3.) Where did you work? A large retail department store
4.) Where did you live? Dallas
5.) Where did you hang out? Oaklawn (aka Boystown)
6.) Did you wear glasses? No
7.) Who was your best friend? I hate limiting myself because it make it seem like one friend is better than another.
8.) How many tattoos did you have? None
9.) How many piercings did you have? None
10.) What car did you drive? Ford Fiero
11.) Had you been to a real party? One to many times
12.) Had your heart broken? Yes
13.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced: Taken

10 years ago

1.) How old were you? 39
2.) Where did you go to school? Still not in school and not planning on going back
3.) Where did you work? I had taken early retirement
4.) Where did you live? Dallas
5.) Where did you hang out? Oaklawn (aka Boystown)
6.) Did you wear glasses? No
7.) Who was your best friend? Gene
8.) How many tattoos did you have? None
9.) How many piercings did you have? One
10.) What car did you drive? Mazda Miata
11.) Had you been to a real party? Still one to many and going strong
12.) Had your heart broken? Yes
13.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced: Taken

5 years ago

1.) How old were you? 44
2.) Where did you go to school? NO, I told you already
3.) Where did you work? Still retired
4.) Where did you live? Sydney, Australia
5.) Where did you hang out? The botanical gardens and the harbour
6.) Did you wear glasses? Yes
7.) Who were your best friends? Once again don't want to limit myself but if I had to pick Moys, Cin and Hop
8.) Who was your crush? Didn't have one, I was very much in love
9.) How many tattoos did you have? One on my right shoulder
10.) How many piercings did you have? Two
11) What car did you drive? I did not own a car
12.) Had you had your heart broken? Yes
13.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: Very much taken
14.) Any kids? One, a beautiful daughter

Present

1.) How old are you? 49
2.) Where do you go to school? Look,at this age the closest I will come to going to school will be an adult education cooking course, but still haven't gone. Although I signed up but the class was full. Maybe next time?
3.) Where do you work? Still retired
4.) Where do you live? Hobart Tasmania
5.) Where do you hang out? My backyard
6.) Do you wear glasses? Yes
7.) Who are your best friends? Wayne and Lee
8.) Who is your crush? I don't have one unless you count my husband
9.) Do you talk to your old friends? Yes at least once a month on the phone as they all live overseas
10.) How many tattoo's do have? Still just the one
11.) How many piercings do you have? Just one, as I lost the other one of the after having to remove them before a surgery and then afterwards I couldn't be bothered putting them both back in so I now only have the one
12.) What kind of car do you have? I don't drive a lot due to my pain medications but we own a Volkswagen Golf
13.) Has your heart been broken? Yes, but it has mended well
14.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter? Still very taken and very happy
15.) Any kids? Still just the one, but with a grandchild

A tribute to my father....

This morning I received an email from my niece (Melyssa) and that in itself is not ground breaking, but what was in the email was something of a different matter. My niece is a lovely girl who has always done the right thing. She has always been very close to her grandparents (my mum and dad). Melyssa was at my mum's house pretty much twenty four seven after my dad passed away last September. She has always been very special to me and I don't say that enough. So just what is it that she has said, well it's not what she said it's what she has done. Melyssa has gotten a tattoo on her back in memory of my dad. The tattoo contains my father's initials, date born/passed, and the wings plus start indicative of the US Air Force in which my father served. As Melyssa puts it, "this way grandpa will always have my back" and in some small way he will always look after her. I think this is a beautiful tribute to my father and to my niece I say... Thank You! and I Love You!

A Christmas list...

This was fun. I stole it from here and he stole it from someone else. If you're brave enough or just plain bored give it a try and let me know how you went so I can have a read. I could tag some one (Mark) but I won't.

Happy Holidays!

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
Hot chocolate all the way. Egg nog tastes bad besides it's hard to find here in the land down under.

2. Did you ever do anything for Santa?
Yes, but he had me promise not to tell anyone... I'm just kidding, we put out milk and cookies.

3. Coloured lights on tree/house or white?
Coloured lights on tree, and I used to put both on the house but we don't put them outside anymore because it stays light outside until almost 9:30 here in Tasmania so it seems senseless to put out lights that most people won't see.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
No.. never bought into that one.

5. When do you put your decorations up?
December 1st or weekend closest.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)?
Cranberry sauce

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child:
Not being able to sleep on Christmas Eve and always trying to get my parents to get up to open presents at about 5:00am, but they always made us wait until at least 7:00.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
I think I was about 8 when I found the box for my GI Joe jeep; hidden down in the basement behind the hot water heater.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
We open one gift.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree?
I don't like one theme or just one colour. I use different coloured lights and all different ornaments that I collected over the years. (As seen previously)

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it.
I love it but we don't get snow at Christmas time here because we live in the southern hemisphere where it is summer so I have to wait until June to see snow.

12. Can you ice skate?
Yes, but not very well and it has been a long time since I have been skating so I would probably fall straight on my ass.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
All gifts are wonderful because people go through the trouble of buying/making them so I think they are all great.

14. What's the most exciting thing about the holidays for you?
The tree, I love watching the coloured lights twinkle.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
My mum's rum cake which I will have to try to make myself this year seeing that we live on the other side of the world.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Staying up to midnight with James so we can open presents on the very beginning of Christmas Day.