It's over...

Well, the big day has come and gone. I am now officially 50 and as usual I don't feel any different much less any older. I have always gone with the thought process that age is only a state of mind and you are only as old as you feel and I feel like I'm still in my twenties mentally. Anyway, we had a fantastic time in Melbourne and here's a quick run down. I have a little over a hundred pictures that I took with my new camera and I will have them posted shortly. I'll let you know as soon as they are up on flickr.

We met our friend Moys on Wednesday afternoon at the airport as she flew in from New Zealand. We head straight to the hotel and then straight out for the first of many walks (the only down side with the walks is that the longer I walk the more my neuropathy acts up but that's another topic). After having a bite to eat, which turned out to be the worst meal and part of the whole trip, (If you are ever in Melbourne never eat here) we headed over to the casino to loose a few dollars. I actually walked out with $150.00, so all was not lost.

Thursday was officially b-day for both myself and Moys so it was started with a nice breakfast and then shopping. Moys bought a few blouses and odds and ends. James and I bought some new cologne we also almost bought one of the private blends from this same group but it was a bit pricey and I told James that it could wait. However, Christmas is coming so just maybe??? Oh and I got another pair of underwear because you can never have enough good underwear and because we can't get that brand here in Hobart. Then it was back to the hotel for a rest pre-dinner and show. We ate dinner at Box on Collins and it was excellent and SO much better than the night previous. As for the show all I can say was FANTABULOUS!!! I mean seriously if this show goes to the West End or better yet makes it to Broadway like Mamma Mia did. You will have to go see it. The costumes alone were worth the price. I would be willing to see the show again in a heart beat.

Friday was spent on a little more shopping and more good food. That afternoon we headed to the botanical gardens so I could take some pictures with my new camera. (you'll see my first efforts soon). Friday night found us back at the casino for dinner and again a bit of a gamble on the pokies. I again came out ahead unfortunately for James and Moys Lady luck was not on their side. Saturday we headed out to St. Kilda for a look around. We had breakfast by the beach and of course a bit of more shopping, what else. After we were all shopped out we headed back into town and made reservations at the restaurant we ate the night of the show. Once again the dinner was exceptional and even a bit better because we didn't feel rushed like we did the night we ate there before the show even if the theatre is right next door.

We had and early start on Sunday. Our flight was at 8:25 in the morning and Moys flew out at 11:30 so we packed Saturday night after dinner and then headed to the airport bright and early we said our goodbyes and a wonderful, loving, happy time was had by all! We arrived back home around 10:00 and life goes on. As I said I'll have the pictures up shortly, as soon as they are up I'll let you know. Enjoy...

50 I hardly knew ya....

Well it's almost here. Tomorrow November 8th I officially turn 50. My God that sounds old. I know it's not that old but it sounds like it. The last fifty years have been quite the ride. There have been many good times and some really bad times but all in all I wouldn't trade it. I think I've grown over the years and I've always tried to learn from my mistakes. I live life to the best of my ability and I try to make sure that I have no regrets. As I've talked about before, I never thought I would make it to see 50 and here I am. Most people are not happy about turning 50 because they think that makes them old and ancient. I'm here to tell you that turning 50 doesn't turn you old, only you can turn yourself old. Age is merely a place in time but how you approach that age and how you deal with it is entirely up to you. I've decide the way I'm going to deal with is is the same as I have before. I'm going to live like there's no tomorrow and not take anything for granted. I'm going to continue to be thankful and grateful for the time I have here and know how lucky I am.

We're going to Melbourne for a few days to shop and have a good time. We are meeting a good friend there who also shares the same b-day as me. Life is good and I intend to keep it that way. See you when we get back.

Oh BTW, I got this a few days early for my B-day so I could take it with me to Melbourne... look here

Flashback: Who knew...

I came out to my parents in 1981 and for a short time our relationship became strained. We were both trying to come to terms with my coming out, both for very different reasons. At one point I did not speak to my parents for almost two years. Things started to get better slowly and with some concerted effort and a little time to breathe we began to start talking again. I came down with the flu in the fall of 1985. I thought maybe it would pass like any cold or flu, but for some reason it just kept hanging around. I wasn't throwing up and febrile all the time during those four weeks but I knew it was not normal to feel this way for so long. I just could not shake this flu off.

I was working as the General Manager of a local restaurant and putting in around 55 - 65 hours a week. The company I worked for had no health plan, so I could not afford to see a doctor. At the time I got sick the relationship with my parents had gotten better and we had come to a comfortable place. They did not like the fact that I was gay, but they learned that I was still their son just as I always had been, and would continue to be. I promised not to be too "gay" when I visited them as long as they tried to start to understand where I was coming from and give my the benefit of the doubt.

Anyway, my mom has worked for doctors all her life, and actually just recently stopped working but that's another story. I made a call to her one day while she was working and explained that I really needed to see a doctor and asked her if I could see the family doctor. Our family doctor for whom my mother worked for at the time had known our family for over 25 years, but he did not know that I was gay. I told my mom about having this flu and the fact that it just would let go and also suggested that I should probably be tested for HIV. The world was just really starting to talk about HIV/AIDS awareness back in 1985, and I was in a high-risk category. Mom at first disagreed because in asking for an HIV test I would have to disclose my lifestyle to the doctor. At the same time my mom knew I needed to see the doctor because we had to get a handle on whatever was wrong with me. I think at that point my mother had two problems. First, she still didn't want a lot of people to know that I was gay and secondly and most of all I think she did not want to find out the truth that I might be HIV positive. I didn't really want to find that out either. I ended up seeing the doctor without mentioning anything about HIV or about me being gay. The doctor did some routine blood test but not the test for HIV. He started me on some broad spectrum antibiotics to treat my symptoms, but I never really got better.

I kept having to see the doctor on and off every few weeks until April of 1986 and during that time he ran all sorts of test. In fact just about every test except the one for HIV. By April 1986 I had changed jobs and was now working as a manager for a major retail chain, working up to 65+ hours a week. I continued to be fatigued and I was losing weight faster than I could eat. I had also just started my second year of what would end up to be a four year relationship that wasn't going well and would end abruptly, so needless to say stress levels were very high. I decided to tell my mother that this had gone too far and that I really needed to be tested for HIV and that if she didn't want the family doctor to know then I would go to the clinic and have the test run, but I needed to know! My mom said she would rather see the family doctor than going to a clinic, so I did. When I saw the doctor I told him about my lifestyle and about my life in general. I also told him that there was a good chance that I could have been exposed to the virus. He was furious, not because of my lifestyle but because I had not told him earlier, in his eyes we had just wasted six months of my life when we could have tried treating my symptoms from another angle. Although treating HIV was harder then, than it is now, we still could have been doing other things to try and make me feel better. We decided to run the test!

Two weeks passed and finally late one afternoon, on a day that I luckily had off from work, the doctor called and told me he needed to see me in the office first thing in the morning. I don't claim to know everything, but at that point I knew what he had to say, and it would have to wait until the morning. The next day I was at the doctor's office bright and early. My mom was at work and she was in a good mood (I later found out that the doctor had not talked my mother until he talked to me, which is the professional and ethical way, even though as I said our families had been very close). So, I sat in the exam room, you know those cold sterile little rooms, waiting to hear the results of the test, and I already knew the answer. When the doctor came in the first thing he did was shake my hand and asked me how I was feeling. I told him I had been feeling better but not quite up to par yet. Then he said it "Tony the test came back positive." Reality hit I was HIV positive and I started to cry.

Now remember it was 1986 and at that time finding out you were HIV+ was death sentence. Like so many of my friends I didn't know where to begin in relation to what to do next. The biggest thought in my mind was how long would I have before the virus won. Of course the doctor couldn't answer that question, but at that time the thought process was that at most I would have probably five years if I was really lucky. I resigned my self to that fact and started to think what I really needed to do from that point. I never knew that in the end I would be able to say that in a little over a month from now, 2007, I will reach my 50th birthday. Unlike many I am excited to turn 50 and I'm extremely proud of what I have accomplished. I look forward to many more years but I never have and never will take for granted all the years that I have been afforded. Who knew...

Another year passes...

Twenty-one years ago in April 1986 my life changed forever. I figured that I would have said this about September 1981 (that's when I came out to everyone) but more important is that date in April 1986.

I went through hell and back when I first came out to my friends and family. I had spent so many years living a lie and in the end it almost killed me. When I finely told people I felt all of that pressure lift from my shoulders. I cruised along for the next five years exploring my new life and it was most definitely a new life for me. During that time I lost many of my old friends and relations with my family were strained, but they got better with time.

I was a young gay man living in the 1980's and the world was one of outrageous excess. I like so many others lived life like there was no tomorrow. We spent to much on clothes, cars, apartments and other material items. We partied to much, drugs and alcohol were our friend. Sex was just something you did, and you did it a lot. What we didn't do when we had that sex was we didn't use condoms. We didn't know we had too.

In 1981 there was a ripple of conversation beginning in a few large cities more specifically in San Francisco, LA and New York. That conversation became a large unknown as a clusters of gay men were suddenly getting sick and doing so very quickly. Those men were also dying from what ever was making them sick. In Dallas Texas we heard the rumors but no one was really sure what the truth was and unfortunately for many we continued to lead our lives to excess.

As the years progressed we named this disease. First back in 1981 it was called GRID (Gay Related Immune Deficiency) but health authorities soon realised that nearly half of the people identified with the syndrome were not homosexual men. In 1982, the CDC (Centre for Disease Control) introduced the term AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome) to describe the newly recognized syndrome. In 1983 the virus that caused this syndrome was discovered by a French scientist and a year later an American scientist confirmed this discovery. However there was a huge debate as to who should be credited because each scientist called their virus something else even though they were talking about the same thing. Eventually in 1986 it was agreed that this new virus would be called HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus).

By 1986 the conversation about HIV was stronger than it had been but many of us were still living on the edge and occasionally we did not heed the new warnings that we need to use condoms. I lost so many friends in those first years between 1981 and 1986. It was a bad time in the gay community but at the same time it was a time of great commoradery because no one was going to look out for us as many thought we deserved this disease and that we desreved to die. They gay community started support groups and other organisations to help those who other were going to leave to die. I continued losing friends all the way up to 1998. I remember one month in 1984 I lost 30 friends and or acquaintances all in the same month.

I had the worst flu ever in September 1985 and was ill for the entire month. Even after the initial illness wore off I just never felt right. I went to see the doctor and he kept giving more antibiotics for various chest infections and strange inflammations. I had not come out to my doctor so he had no idea that there was even a remote chance that I could have been exposed to HIV. I alos was not sure I wanted to know if I had been exposed. By late March 1986 both the doctor and I were extremely frustrated trying to find out what was wrong with me. I finally decided that I had to tell him and that I thought it would be best that we run an HIV test. We did just that and a few weeks later (the test took longer in those days) we got the results.

I was HIV positive!

Like almost every person I have talked to and/or have know personally that received the same news, the first thing I did was cry! At that time finding out you were HIV+ meant you were going to die. There was no treatment to prolong life and there definitely was no cure. So where was I supposed to go from there? In answering that question it would take me way to long answer and it would make this post even longer that it is now. The short version is this. I worked until I got so sick and couldn't work anymore. I tried ever new drug that came out and some of them almost killed me. I tried to lead a normal life and found a partner but unfortunately he eventually died from complications of HIV and I buried him. I tried love again but he also died from complications of HIV and I buried another partner. I almost gave up but finally met someone who is still with me.

I am still living with HIV every day twenty-one years later. I take 12 pills a day to stay alive a;long with a positve attitude, which is sometimes very difficult, and I look forward to every day. So as another year passes I am grateful to be here but I am also aware that I have fought long and hard to be where I am and will continue to do so because I am worthy of living. If you are truly interested in reading all of the sorted details, you can do so here.

I'm the great Uncle Charlie Brown...

...or something like that. What I'm trying to say is I am a new great uncle to my niece's newest edition to her family, and actually her first. I am pleased to introduce Damian Aidan Harris.

Congratulation to my niece Cinde and her man Phil!

The Roaring Forties...

Not this roaring forties, I'm talking about the ones associted with the fact that my one and only had his fortieth b-day yesterday and all in all it was a relatively smooth transition for him. He had been having a few issues in the weeks leading up to the day, but a couple of days before the event I had a good long talk with him and we sorted a lot of things out. Most people should be so lucky to be in his/our position; we own our home mortgage free as well as another property in Sydney (also mortgage free). Our car is also completely paid for and only one year old. James only has to work 3 days a week. We have no outstanding credit card debt. We have a bit of money in the bank for a rainy day. He is in perfect health (me so, so) and last but not least we have each other. (GRIN)

Now as I said, there aren't many people that can say the same thing when they hit that milestone of 40, but he can and he understands just how fortunate he is. He worked hard to get where he is but it was all worth the effort. All we have to do now is look forward to the future and the way I see it the future looks pretty darn good.

So Happy Birthday James. I love you!