A day to remember...

Today is a day that plays close to my mind and heart. I have now lived for 23 years with HIV and I am grateful for everyone of those years. I can remember back in 1986 when I first found out I was positive and the doctor told me I had six months to live. There were no medications available to help fight this disease at that time and I believed that my life would be over before I could explore and enjoy it more than I already had. Some how I got lucky because those 6 months came and went and then it became years. Through the years I went from surviving to being very ill. I lost many friends and acquaintances over those years. Somehow I kept going. I lost my partner of six years in 1993 just before the new miracle drugs were introduced in 1994. I have been on those medication ever since they became available. Every day is a constant reminder that I have to keep on going and that every day there is a battle being fought inside me. I lost another partner in 1998 even after the new drugs were introduced. I am very aware that this disease only wants one thing and that one thing is something I'm not willing to give iit.

At the same time millions of people around the world have and are facing the same day by day existence some doing it better than others. This disease is not going away and with no vaccine still to this day and on going newly diagnosed individuals occurring every day I am concerned that we have forgotten what this disease can do. How it can destroy lives, tear families apart and bring pain to so many. I don't mean to preach I just want people to remember that we still need to talk about HIV and to respect ourselves, our partners and one another. Respect yourself by using protection and keeping your self and your partners safe and well. Respect others and open your hearts and minds to lend someone a helping hand if they need one. Most importantly don't be afraid to talk as we need to keep the conversation going so we can continue to fight and maybe just maybe we will eventually win.

You can find out more information by clicking the World AIDS Day picture below. As I said be safe, take care and stay well and don't be afraid to talk about it.

Send in the clowns...

It's time to lighten things up around here. The last few posts have been a bit of a dippity downer so let's see if we can find little Miss Sunshine somewhere around here and let's see if we can spread a little of that sunshine around. I'm not sure how good I'll do at spreading the happy vibes if I can't find Little Miss S. to help me do such but I'll try. So here we go, something tells me this is going to be a long post full of random, and probably boring items of conversation but try to stay with me and I'll try to make it as painless as possible. Then again maybe I won't and maybe I'm making you suffer on purpose but that of course assumes you're willing to play along and that you will actually read the whole post. We may never know.

So, spring has definitely sprung here in Tassie and I must say this is a good thing. I've been cutting jonquils in all sorts of varieties to bring into the house. We have all different types. We have ones that are all white and then there are the ones that are yellow and yellow, yellow with white, yellow and orange, you get the picture. Now if you aren't getting a visual there will be pictures however they are coming in the next post so check back after this post to get said visuals. We don't have a lot of daffodils yet in fact there are only two so far and I hate to take them out of the garden so there they will stay. The large rhododendron in the back yard is in full swing and it is as beautiful as ever (pictures once again to follow). All of the rose bushes have new growth on them and I can't wait for their first blooms. We have grape hyacinths everywhere. I guess over the years different owners planted different gardens and over time bulbs have been left and not moved so we have these cute little plants showing up in odd places like in the middle of our lawn. It doesn't matter as I said they're cute and anything that wants to bloom will not be stopped by me.

We still have a little snow on the mountain but that's okay as it always looks nice up there. In fact I wouldn't mind if there was a bit of snow up there all year long. It would make the mountain look all that much better. I know the tourist would love it and tourist season is just around the corner. We have something like 50+ cruise ships that stop here each summer. They are usually part of a Australia, New Zealand circuit that runs all summer. The ships cross the Pacific as winter engulfs the northern hemisphere and they stay here until late February, March. It's great for tourism but after a while we start hating all of the extra people that invade the island. By the time March arrives all we want is for everyone that doesn't live here to please remove yourself.

Hubby is doing well. He has started his new semester at school. I'm really proud of him. It takes a lot of determination and drive to stay focused on his studies. It's tough for him because while he is studying he also has to deal with work, handle my emotional breakdowns and also make huge amounts of time for his mum during her time of need. My hubby is a real special person and I am a lucky man to have him.

Speaking of school, it seems that after my little meltdown the other night I have decided to try to focus on something new and different. I have contacted one of the local universities to enquire about enrolling in their distance education programs. I have decide that in light of my mental overload I might as well stretch myself to the max and I should go back to school. On a serious note I really think, that by starting back to school I will have a focus and I will also gain some of the challenge and feedback that I need to feel, as in a sense of accomplishment. I am thinking that I will be starting down the path of an Arts degree, exactly in what vein I'm not sure but one step at a time, one step at a time. Hubby supports me 100%.

Have I told you that the cat is still behaving him/her/it self. She/he/it has been mellow ever since we gave she/he/it the hormone shots. Now just recently she/he/it has been following a new pattern and I think that she/he/it is actually learning by command. She/he/it comes in for dinner each night around 4-5. I don't want she/he/it to go outside after dinner because she might get into a fight with other nighttime cats or even worse she could get meet up with the possum and that would be a disaster. So I don't let she/he/it out. The problem with that is that if I don't let her out she then expects me to allow her to sit in my lap and if I don't let her up on my lap she follows me incessantly and squeals until I finally relent and allow her to get into my lap. I have begun to telling him/her/it no, point to the bedroom and say "Go to bed". Well would you believe it she/he/it is starting to do exactly that. At first I thought it was a fluke but now she/he it is doing it every time. I know that it is probably just a rote behaviour for him/her/it but it's still kind of fun to watch him/her/it as she/he/it toddles down the hall into the bedroom and up onto the bed to curl up and go to sleep for the rest of the night.

My back is healing I suppose as well as to be expected. I can't verify that as I can't actually see it. It feels like all is well and I have to believe that because I/we can't afford nor do I care to spend any more time in hospital. I feel okay so that's good enough. I'm still stiff and there is a bit of swelling but hubby, being the trained professional that he is, has a look at the wound every morning and in his expert opinion he feels that all looks well. I will see my GP next week and I'll see what he has to add to the conversation but overall I think all is well.

Well, I said this would all be a bit of boring ramble but it's all I've got. I never will be one of these brilliantly, funny, and imaginative bloggers who can make a turd funny and/or beautiful (and there are many of you) because we all know that takes talent of which I am not so gifted. I think I'll leave that witty job to the pros and I'll stick to what I know and can handle which is plain and boring. It works for me so until next time Enjoy...

Happy Momma's Day...

First things first, let me say a big "HAPPY MOTHERS DAY" to my mum. I love you mum and send you (((Big Hugs))).

OK, so now what's been happening around here? Well I've been to Sydney for five days to see my specialist (neurologist) for a review of my feet since my last visit a few months ago when I saw him and at that time he decided to put me in hospital for ten days of testing hell. (I really must let that go). Where was I? Ah yes, I went to see the specialist to check in and see how I have been going with the new drugs and all. I told him I was 95% pain free which meant that instead of having 800 episodes of pain attacks in my feet I was down to only about 40 a month. He said that was great except that when he let me go from the hospital I was 100% pain free. I said "Oh".

When I left the hospital he had prescribed a fast acting pain medication for any breakthrough pain but it seems that the state that I live in has different rules when it comes to the prescribing of narcotic pain medications. (I'll explain later as it's a bit complicated) Anyway, the state authorities that approve prescriptions of such medications would only allow half of what he had ordered. What that meant is that I could only take care of twenty of the episodes of breakthrough I was having and the rest I just had to ride out biting on a bullet. To fix this problem he has changed my prescription once again. I'm now taking an even higher dose of one of the medications that he introduced during my hospital stay. The upside is that it seems to be working. The downside is that it makes me extremely sleepy. I can fall asleep in the middle of a conversation, which can be very embarrassing. The other downside is that now I am taking 35 pills a day instead of 32. Now you might say what's the big deal it's only three more pills. You don't even want me to answer that question, I promise you.

I'm just having one of my moments where I resent having to take all of these pills. They make me feel like a loser. I feel like I'm incapable of taking care of myself without the help of medications, but the truth is I can't and that is what irritates me. I hate feeling so dependent and vulnerable. I have an alternative. I can say no to all of the pills but then I will end up in excruciating pain and without my anti-retrovirals I will not be in control of the HIV. The virus would then run rampant and start to completely destroy my immune system which would lead to an untimely demise. The thing is I'm not really good with pain, basically I'm a wimp, and as for dying well I know that I'm going to die someday but in some small way I like to think I have some control as to how soon or not that will occur. With that all said I take my pills everyday like a good boy, but I do so sometimes very begrudgingly!

Now to end this odd little post I thought I would share some more photos with you. I'm going to continue to share more and more photos with you the more I experiment with my camera so you might as well get used to it. Anyway, here are a few shots I took the other evening from our backyard looking up to the late evening sky as sunset was occurring and there were a few stormy clouds hanging about. There may seem to be a few shots that look just the same but there are slight differences, believe me there are. Really, anyway enjoy...

You can find the rest here

I have not left the building...

...Contrary to popular belief, okay no one really thinks I'm gone but some people may wonder if I'm okay. Just to let everyone know I'm doing just fine. I've just been a little distracted as of late and like many of you I have found that there is little time to focus on sitting down and writing up a witty, thought-provoking post to keep each and every one of you enthralled and maybe even glued to your seat waiting for the follow up post. Besides, how many times do I write a post like that anyway? I mean really, you're usually lucky if I drag some 50 question meme out or if I look up some absurd word and post it with an esoteric quote by some dead person. I mean now that's a post. NOT...

With that said, I have been out of pocket recently as we have been up to Melbourne (we went to see Cyndi Lauper) and back a few days ago and now we have house guest for the next 5 days which will occupy even more of my/our time. I just didn't want anyone to worry. (Hi mom!) The only other exciting thing happening at this end of the world is that the carpenters have been in to measure up the cabinet space and they are finally building our new kitchen cabinets as I type. Well, there not building today as it's Saturday but you know what I mean. Hopefully within the next two weeks or so we should have the kitchen finally finished and then all we have to do is call the painter and the renovations will be complete. It's taken 3 months so far and adding the time for the cabinets to be finished it will all up be 4 months that we have been living semi-camping style. Not that I have anything against camping, in fact I like camping except I believe it is meant to be done outside in the woods by a lake and not within the confines of my home. In the end It camping or no camping will be so very nice to get my kitchen back.

Other than that nothing else is that exciting around here so maybe it is for the best that I have nothing to write as it would be like watching paint peel and you wouldn't be watching it you would be reading it, which is sort of the same thing I suppose since you need to use your eyes to do both things. I think I'm rambling so I'll put you out of your misery for now and who knows I may come up with witty story to relay or something extremely fascinating will happen while our houseguest is here and if it does I'll be sure to let you know. Oh just as a side note, it looks like autumn has arrived here in Hobart town just a little early as we have had snow on the mountain for two days and just maybe it's a sign that your spring is around the corner so hang on there.

And last but not least today marks the passing of nine years since James and I decided to make something out of our friendship and as of now nine years later I can tell you that we are still the best of friends and as an added bonus along the way we have discovered that it is very possible for two men to live together and love each other in a very real, deeply committed and caring fashion not unlike the relationships that are all around us except for the fact that those relationships consist of a man and a woman. It's not that we ever had any doubt but I just wanted to point that out because people say it's not possible and either I'm delusional and/or the past nine years never happened and even though I'm on huge amounts of pain medicine for my neuropathy and I have been known to make a few things up in my head the one thing I do know for sure is that I love James and always have and always will and no one will every be able to tell me otherwise much less take that feeling away from me just because they don't think it's normal. So here's to my husband, Happy anniversary sweetheart! I Love You!

I'm just sayin'...

What to do???

We have a small problem in the Gardner-Sullivan household. What might that small problem be you might ask? Well I'll tell you what the small problem might be. The small problem is actually a huge problem in so much that James and I are being faced with a hard decision as to where we should live. Ever since my little hospital stay up in Sydney we have realised that living in our quaint, quiet, beautiful home may not be sustainable at this point in time.

We moved to Tasmania a little over three years ago after spending six years in the buzzing metropolis called Sydney. James lived in and around Sydney all of his life and that is of course where I met him. We stayed in Sydney during the time in which I was awaiting the outcome of my application for permanent residency in Australia. Once approval was received on the application we felt like we could finally move forward, as we didn't feel like we were able to do such up to that point, because if the application had not been approved I would have had to go straight back to the US within 28 days of the applications rejection. We lived with that fear for quite some time and because of that fear we never felt like we could make plans. We dreamed a lot but never made any solid plans.

Shortly after the application was approved we started looking at our options. A few months before the application was approved we took a short trip down to Tasmania. I had never been and James had not been there in over ten years. I don't know what it was about this place but as soon as we started over the bridge that you have to cross over to drive into Hobart, I knew this was a good place. It just felt right. The more we looked around and during the time that we spent in Hobart the more we knew that this was the place that we needed to be.

We started to look for a house in earnest and we had many to choose from. We also were being very picky. As I said there are a lot of beautiful old homes in Hobart, many of which date back to the 1800's. The houses exude old world charm and add to the quaint atmosphere that surrounds the city and for the matter in every town in Tasmania. One of the key selling points along with the homes was the slow and even pace in Hobart compared to the constant buzz found in Sydney. It is only natural that there be a difference between the to cities seeing that Sydney has over 4 million people compared to Tasmania in which the entire state only has roughly a tenth of the population at around 400,000 people. Nearly half of those people live in and around Hobart proper at a population of 200,525. Based on those numbers I think you can start to get a picture of the differences between the buzz of Sydney and the slow quiet pace that is Hobart.

After four months of looking through real estate guides and making a few more trips back to Hobart merely to search for and to look at houses we found this one. James had flown down to Hobart on a Thursday and I stayed in Sydney with friends from out of town. There were a few houses James had arranged to look at while he was there, and they all looked promising. I got a call from James around lunch time and during that call he told me that none of the houses had been right for one reason or another. He was going to see one more in the afternoon and if that wasn't right he would be back in the morning. I had in the meantime been looking some more on the internet real estate sites and had found one more house that we had not previously seen. This house was just listed with the agent James happened to be using while he was in Hobart. I said why not ask if you can see the place and sure enough the agent said no problem. The house had only been on the market for a week and she hadn't even thought about showing it to James as it was such a new listing she had basically overlooked it. Anyway, long story short I get a call back from James after he sees the house and he says book a flight and get down here first thing in the morning so we can look at the house together. I did, we did and by 7:00 pm that next night we owned our new house.

Moving to Hobart was a huge move for us on so many levels. It was a really big move for James as it would be the first big move for him from Sydney. James easily found a job and we settled in quite nicely. This was our first foray into suburbia and we had no idea what to expect. The last three years we have grown into this house and we have made it a home. We know a few neighbors but we didn't really come here to make neighborly connections. I mean it's fine if we do but I don't need to be best friend with the people next door to make my life complete. We made a few new friends who became very close friends over the next few years. Going out to dinner never found us in a situation where the staff at the restaurant were trying to rush you out so that they could seat the next table. We never have trouble finding a table when we go out for breakfast and once again we don't have people staring over our shoulders waiting to take our table. The local produce, food and wines are some of the best in the world. The air is clean as is the water. All in all this place is pretty damn near perfect, and that is where the needle scratches across the surface of this story.

The problem is there are not enough if no services avaiable to handle the growing population. The biggest area to lack services is in the area of medicaine, doctors, hospitals, etc. The hospital James works at is the largest one on the island but is it is grossly understaffed and unable to cope with its burden. As for it's ability to offer James a challenging work place the only challenge is dealing with the shortcoming and lack of resources. Now you may be starting to see where I'm heading with this drawn out post. You see with the fact that I am and have been HIV+ for the past 21+ years I occasionally need to be able to access appropriate medical services when needed and in some cases that may mean almost immediately. During our recent experience with regards to the treatment of my peripheral neuropathy we discovered that the medical field here in Tasmania is unable to accommodate my needs either through service availability, rapid response time and or a combination of both. Living in Sydney that was never an issue.

Our problem as for what to do is just that, what are we going to do. We love this house/home. We love the quaint gentle approach that we are able to take in everyday life. We love that changes of seasons, along with the temperate weather it brings. Basically we love living unhurried. So now we are in a dilemma as to where we might live and how to go about this transition wth out losing the kind gentle life we have created and at the same time move back into the sprawling landscape which is Sydney.

We do have a few things that work in our favour and those being that we own this home mortgage free and we still own out apartment in Sydney also mortgage free. Let me state from the start we have no intention of moving back into our old apartment. That will not happen! We don't plan on selling either place. We also don't want a new mortgage even though the rentals from both places could easily pay the mortgage on a new house. We just don't want to be saddled again with debt. We could at least rent some a nice big place and pay the rental with the rents that we receive. So again you say what's the problem well in the end the only real problem is we love this home and having to leave it is turning our world upside down.

Suggestions???

better later then not at all...

I know that World AIDS day has passed but I was in Sydney seeing a specialist neurologist about my peripheral neuropathy, which was caused by HIV. It seems that in some cases the longer someone has HIV the virus can sometimes damage certain cells and in my case it is the nerve receptors in my feet. I will never be able to fix or cure this problem as it currently stands and the doctor says that unfortunately it will only get worse. After 21 years of living with HIV I thought that I had gotten to a point where I was winning. I have had really bad times and times where I almost died but I fought back and took control. I made sure that HIV did not define my life and that it would be something that is merely part of my life, albeit a constant part of my life. In the end here I am after all of this time and I feel like HIV has kicked me in the head just to remind me that it is still with me and if I want to win I will have to keep fighting. I'm not going to lie, it's a big ask.

Anyway, as a small reminder from the official site for World AIDS Day Australia. I leave you with this:

By 31 December 2006 there were 26,267 diagnoses of HIV infection in Australia. There were 10,125 diagnoses of AIDS and 6,723 deaths following AIDS had occurred. The annual number of new HIV diagnoses in Australia rose from 763 cases in 2000 to 998 in 2006 an increase of 31%.

Something to think about considering that these numbers are from a westernised country and not somewhere in Africa. We are not immune. We are affected and we are responsible for making a difference. I'm just sayin'...

50 I hardly knew ya....

Well it's almost here. Tomorrow November 8th I officially turn 50. My God that sounds old. I know it's not that old but it sounds like it. The last fifty years have been quite the ride. There have been many good times and some really bad times but all in all I wouldn't trade it. I think I've grown over the years and I've always tried to learn from my mistakes. I live life to the best of my ability and I try to make sure that I have no regrets. As I've talked about before, I never thought I would make it to see 50 and here I am. Most people are not happy about turning 50 because they think that makes them old and ancient. I'm here to tell you that turning 50 doesn't turn you old, only you can turn yourself old. Age is merely a place in time but how you approach that age and how you deal with it is entirely up to you. I've decide the way I'm going to deal with is is the same as I have before. I'm going to live like there's no tomorrow and not take anything for granted. I'm going to continue to be thankful and grateful for the time I have here and know how lucky I am.

We're going to Melbourne for a few days to shop and have a good time. We are meeting a good friend there who also shares the same b-day as me. Life is good and I intend to keep it that way. See you when we get back.

Oh BTW, I got this a few days early for my B-day so I could take it with me to Melbourne... look here

The human body...

I'm still going through a slow period when it comes to thinking up things to post. Hopefully soon this dry spell will end and I will once again be able to regale you with my brilliant writing skills but until then here are a few fast facts about the human body maybe one or two of the items will be something you did not know. Then again you may not care about any of it. Read what you want....

• The length from your wrist to your elbow is the same as the length of your foot.
• On average, people can hold their breath for one minute. The world record is seven-and-a-half minutes.
• Your heart beats 101,000 times a day. During your lifetime it will beat about 3 billion times and pump about 400 million litres (800 million pints) of blood.
• Your mouth produces 1 litre (1.8 pints) of saliva a day.
• If the amount of water in your body is reduced by just 1%, you'll feel thirsty
• You'll drink about 75,000 litres (20,000 gallons) of water in your lifetime.
• A person remains conscious for eight seconds after being decapitated (this I find very disturbing)
  
• Unless food is mixed with saliva you cannot taste it
• Our eyes are always the same size from birth.
• On average, you speak almost 5,000 words a day - although almost 80% of what you say is to yourself. (that explains a lot)
  

Another year passes...

Twenty-one years ago in April 1986 my life changed forever. I figured that I would have said this about September 1981 (that's when I came out to everyone) but more important is that date in April 1986.

I went through hell and back when I first came out to my friends and family. I had spent so many years living a lie and in the end it almost killed me. When I finely told people I felt all of that pressure lift from my shoulders. I cruised along for the next five years exploring my new life and it was most definitely a new life for me. During that time I lost many of my old friends and relations with my family were strained, but they got better with time.

I was a young gay man living in the 1980's and the world was one of outrageous excess. I like so many others lived life like there was no tomorrow. We spent to much on clothes, cars, apartments and other material items. We partied to much, drugs and alcohol were our friend. Sex was just something you did, and you did it a lot. What we didn't do when we had that sex was we didn't use condoms. We didn't know we had too.

In 1981 there was a ripple of conversation beginning in a few large cities more specifically in San Francisco, LA and New York. That conversation became a large unknown as a clusters of gay men were suddenly getting sick and doing so very quickly. Those men were also dying from what ever was making them sick. In Dallas Texas we heard the rumors but no one was really sure what the truth was and unfortunately for many we continued to lead our lives to excess.

As the years progressed we named this disease. First back in 1981 it was called GRID (Gay Related Immune Deficiency) but health authorities soon realised that nearly half of the people identified with the syndrome were not homosexual men. In 1982, the CDC (Centre for Disease Control) introduced the term AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome) to describe the newly recognized syndrome. In 1983 the virus that caused this syndrome was discovered by a French scientist and a year later an American scientist confirmed this discovery. However there was a huge debate as to who should be credited because each scientist called their virus something else even though they were talking about the same thing. Eventually in 1986 it was agreed that this new virus would be called HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus).

By 1986 the conversation about HIV was stronger than it had been but many of us were still living on the edge and occasionally we did not heed the new warnings that we need to use condoms. I lost so many friends in those first years between 1981 and 1986. It was a bad time in the gay community but at the same time it was a time of great commoradery because no one was going to look out for us as many thought we deserved this disease and that we desreved to die. They gay community started support groups and other organisations to help those who other were going to leave to die. I continued losing friends all the way up to 1998. I remember one month in 1984 I lost 30 friends and or acquaintances all in the same month.

I had the worst flu ever in September 1985 and was ill for the entire month. Even after the initial illness wore off I just never felt right. I went to see the doctor and he kept giving more antibiotics for various chest infections and strange inflammations. I had not come out to my doctor so he had no idea that there was even a remote chance that I could have been exposed to HIV. I alos was not sure I wanted to know if I had been exposed. By late March 1986 both the doctor and I were extremely frustrated trying to find out what was wrong with me. I finally decided that I had to tell him and that I thought it would be best that we run an HIV test. We did just that and a few weeks later (the test took longer in those days) we got the results.

I was HIV positive!

Like almost every person I have talked to and/or have know personally that received the same news, the first thing I did was cry! At that time finding out you were HIV+ meant you were going to die. There was no treatment to prolong life and there definitely was no cure. So where was I supposed to go from there? In answering that question it would take me way to long answer and it would make this post even longer that it is now. The short version is this. I worked until I got so sick and couldn't work anymore. I tried ever new drug that came out and some of them almost killed me. I tried to lead a normal life and found a partner but unfortunately he eventually died from complications of HIV and I buried him. I tried love again but he also died from complications of HIV and I buried another partner. I almost gave up but finally met someone who is still with me.

I am still living with HIV every day twenty-one years later. I take 12 pills a day to stay alive a;long with a positve attitude, which is sometimes very difficult, and I look forward to every day. So as another year passes I am grateful to be here but I am also aware that I have fought long and hard to be where I am and will continue to do so because I am worthy of living. If you are truly interested in reading all of the sorted details, you can do so here.

Boy, how time flies...

I saw this meme over here and it has been sitting on my desktop for a while. Since I have not written anything in a few days I figured this was better than nothing. What I find form this list is that I'm pretty consistent and at the same time if you could see in between those years you would never believe what I have done to get where I am today. Not all of it good but not all of it bad either. Anyway, have a read and let your imagination run wild.

20 years ago

1.) How old were you? 29
2.) Where did you go to school? I had not been to school in over 10 years
3.) Where did you work? A large retail department store
4.) Where did you live? Dallas
5.) Where did you hang out? Oaklawn (aka Boystown)
6.) Did you wear glasses? No
7.) Who was your best friend? I hate limiting myself because it make it seem like one friend is better than another.
8.) How many tattoos did you have? None
9.) How many piercings did you have? None
10.) What car did you drive? Ford Fiero
11.) Had you been to a real party? One to many times
12.) Had your heart broken? Yes
13.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced: Taken

10 years ago

1.) How old were you? 39
2.) Where did you go to school? Still not in school and not planning on going back
3.) Where did you work? I had taken early retirement
4.) Where did you live? Dallas
5.) Where did you hang out? Oaklawn (aka Boystown)
6.) Did you wear glasses? No
7.) Who was your best friend? Gene
8.) How many tattoos did you have? None
9.) How many piercings did you have? One
10.) What car did you drive? Mazda Miata
11.) Had you been to a real party? Still one to many and going strong
12.) Had your heart broken? Yes
13.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced: Taken

5 years ago

1.) How old were you? 44
2.) Where did you go to school? NO, I told you already
3.) Where did you work? Still retired
4.) Where did you live? Sydney, Australia
5.) Where did you hang out? The botanical gardens and the harbour
6.) Did you wear glasses? Yes
7.) Who were your best friends? Once again don't want to limit myself but if I had to pick Moys, Cin and Hop
8.) Who was your crush? Didn't have one, I was very much in love
9.) How many tattoos did you have? One on my right shoulder
10.) How many piercings did you have? Two
11) What car did you drive? I did not own a car
12.) Had you had your heart broken? Yes
13.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: Very much taken
14.) Any kids? One, a beautiful daughter

Present

1.) How old are you? 49
2.) Where do you go to school? Look,at this age the closest I will come to going to school will be an adult education cooking course, but still haven't gone. Although I signed up but the class was full. Maybe next time?
3.) Where do you work? Still retired
4.) Where do you live? Hobart Tasmania
5.) Where do you hang out? My backyard
6.) Do you wear glasses? Yes
7.) Who are your best friends? Wayne and Lee
8.) Who is your crush? I don't have one unless you count my husband
9.) Do you talk to your old friends? Yes at least once a month on the phone as they all live overseas
10.) How many tattoo's do have? Still just the one
11.) How many piercings do you have? Just one, as I lost the other one of the after having to remove them before a surgery and then afterwards I couldn't be bothered putting them both back in so I now only have the one
12.) What kind of car do you have? I don't drive a lot due to my pain medications but we own a Volkswagen Golf
13.) Has your heart been broken? Yes, but it has mended well
14.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter? Still very taken and very happy
15.) Any kids? Still just the one, but with a grandchild

Happy feet...NOT

I'm sitting here, it is 4:30am. I woke up from a weird dream and my feet were aching really bad. I don't know if it was the weird dream I was having or the pain that woke me. I'm glad I woke from the dream as it was not a good dream but not really a nightmare. I dreamt that I was having my foot pain and the newly acquired hand pain, which we think is a side effect of one of the medications I'm taking to control the foot pain. I can't win!

Anyway, I wasn't able to get anyone to help me with the pain (in the dream). All the doctors kept telling me, is there was nothing they could do about and to get used to it(the pain). The doctors said the pain was a direct result from the length of time that I have been HIV+ (21 years). In other words the disease had been affecting other functions within my system not just my immune system. The funny thing about dream is that they reflect recent events and James and I were at breakfast yesterday morning talking about this very point however not specifically about me but about how people sometimes have a doctor that tell them to get over themselves and just deal with the pain or a side effect of a drug and to be grateful they are alive.

Let me say that I am very grateful to be alive but it is by my sure determination to be so. I put up with the pain, taken all the crappy medications and dealt with all sorts of health problems that this disease has dished up to me over the years and it can be damn depressing. I'm not the only one that has dealt with these issue as I know a lot of other HIV+ people who have similar problems and they have all coped with their issues in the own way. I've written about this before and I'm sure I will again because it is a way for me to cope and it helps me get it out of my system. So, I will inevitably continue to write about how I deal or don't deal with living with HIV and at the same time try to go through life "being normal".

I took my pain medicine a while ago and the ache is easing but under it all I know it's still there and some how I need to keep it from winning... I will.

Don't even ask about the hand pain...